Forgetting Tristan

30 4 3

Author: thinkingfingers-

Genre: Teen Fiction

Swear words


I think the cover is appealing and the font for the title is very professional and pretty. It all works together nicely and comes together as a perfect teen-fiction cover! The title fits the plot and purpose of the story very well, but I am not a fan of the subtitle. After reading over the playlist for your story, I realized that "You can forgive, but forgetting is a way harder fight" is more of a rephrase of Alex and Sierra's "Little Do You Know" rather than your own idea. I feel that the subtitle would be more fitting for the story if it were more personal and creative. 

Grammar errors:
Chapter 1: "As hard it was for a ten year old guy to admit something personal like this as it was hard for us to find a response." This sentence overall doesn't make much sense. You may want to reword it a bit differently. 
Chapter 1: "...Miss Camila finished off her lecture which surprised Miss Camila and I." Here, you should write "Miss Camila and me." An easy way to spot areas like this is to remove one of the subjects. In this case, we can remove the second "Miss Camila." Without this, the sentence would turn into "...Miss Camila finished off her lecture which surprised I." Here, you can see that the word "I" doesn't fit properly into the sentence, and that it should be changed to "me."
Chapter 1: "It doesn't need a rocket science..." Here, you may want to change the sentence to "I doesn't need a rocket scientist..."

An area that I found to be a bit confusing at first was in Chapter 1 where the first part was written in past tense and the second part was written in present tense. In order to make the purpose clear to your audience, you may want to italicize the first section to show that it is a flashback/memory. Without doing this, the audience gets confused by the abrupt change in scenery and the change in tense. 

I think the plot is cute and unique, but it seems to drag on a bit through each chapter. The chapters are extremely long, and I feel as though they could be shortened or divided into multiple chapters. You could perhaps incorporate more cliffhangers and shorten your chapters so that not too many events are covered in each section. For example, the memory scene in Chapter 1 could be turned into a prologue, and then Chapter 1 could consist of Scarlett's day at school and her interactions with Tristan. 

Even though I found the beginning to be a bit drawn-out, I think you did an excellent job of describing Scarlett's relationship with Tristan. I could clearly picture their encounters and they seemed to be extremely open with one another. Something that you could add earlier on are some physical traits. What did Tristan look like? What did Scarlett look like?

Overall, I thought the story was very well-written and I found very few grammatical/spelling mistakes. I thought it was cute and entertaining, but the chapters are a bit long. The story was original and had a unique plot, and you did an excellent job of introducing the characters and making them as relatable as possible!


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