She's So Gone

Chapter 4

I couldn't breathe, couldn't think. Everything was happening so fast, too fast.

One second I was twisting his arm around because I thought he was a stranger trying to hurt me, then we were reconnecting our friendship bond with our favorite saying that we used to say to each other all the time.

And then...

He kissed me.

I was so taken aback at first that my eyes were still open and I had to force myself to close them.

It wasn't my first kiss, but it was the first kiss from the guy I had wanted to kiss ever since junior high.

I tried as hard as I could to enjoy it, his soft pink lips molding onto mine like they had every single time in my daydreams.

But this time it was different, because it wasn't me who initiated the kiss, it was him.

Jake Herring, the guy I'd had a million crushes on all at the same time, all winding together and blinding me with the power of my emotions and feelings towards him.

I thought they might have died down over the time that I had spent away from him, after what happened to me at that school, but no. I still felt it.

Only during the kiss, it was as if my mind and my body were fighting for the other's dominance, my head reeling over how I should have been enjoying it more and my heart shattering reminding me of why I could never enjoy something as simple as a first kiss from a crush ever again. 

I tilted my head to the side and I felt him smile into the kiss, his hands on either side of my face sliding down to grip onto my arms and my body felt like it fit perfectly together with his, like I was only made for him and no one else, but that soul crushing feeling still seeped into my thoughts no matter how hard I tried to focus on him.

All too soon, it was over and our foreheads were resting against each other's and I knew so badly that I wanted him, but something more, I wanted him to help me erase the pain from my past.  Was I so naive to think that he could do that for me, to help heal me and make me whole again, the person, the girl, that I once was?

"What was that for?" I somehow managed to choke out, still trying to catch my breath and gather my bearings after that kiss that caught me so off guard.

"That, Care, was making up for lost time."

I squinted my eyes in confusion.

"What do you mean, lost time?  We were just friends when I left."

"Yeah, but you left right before I was going to tell you how I felt. I was too chicken to say it to your face so I put it in a letter and in your mailbox, but you were already gone, and you never messaged or called after. I thought you never wanted to see me again."

I pulled back away from him so I could look at him properly in his eyes.

"What do you mean, never wanted to see you again?"

He looked sheepish, like he was guilty and embarrassed of something at the same time.

"What is it?  What did you do?"

He sighed and I realized he was finally going to spill the beans.

"Well, I kind of told Kieran to stop messing with you when I found out he'd been bullying you and I might have said some things I didn't mean in front of some people and I thought they'd told you.  I was more mad at myself than anyone else though and I knew I couldn't blame you for never wanting to talk to me again so I just let it be. Until today, this is our second chance!"

"What did you say?"

I couldn't get that out of my head. What could he have said about me that was so terrible that he thought I'd want nothing to do with my best friend for the rest of time?!

"Just that you were my best friend and nothing more, Kieran was on my case that I liked you as more than a friend but I denied it because I was scared of the truth. After that talk I realized the truth and wrote you the letter but..."

"I was already on my way to New York and you thought I hated your guts," I finished quickly for him.

It all made sense.

"Exactly. But you're back now and I get to explain everything in person!  It's amazing, I can't believe you're really here! And you look so different, so-"

"Much better?" I added bitterly, turning my head away from him.

He grabbed my chin with his hand and turned my eyes so that I was looking directly into his bright blue eyes.

"Not at all. I was going to say so much like how I remember you. Beautiful."

My heart fluttered with his words and my eyes widened with how sweet I realized he could be if he wanted to.

He pulled me in for a signature bear hug and I couldn't resist resting my head against his shoulder.

"So what now?  What does this mean?"

"It means. Caroline Rogers, will you be my girlfriend?"

To say I was shocked was an understatement. His eyes looked so vulnerable and I couldn't stop the question from tumbling out of my mouth.

"W-what?"

"Look, you're back now. I have waited so long to ask those words to you, and now that I can actually do it in person just makes it even better. So, what do you say?  Please say yes."

Jake Herring's girlfriend?  No one would dare bully me if I was with Jake, and as selfish as that seemed, it was like I needed a safety net, something to hold onto to keep me sane.  Maybe my head could get back in sync with my heart and I could actually be with him without the pain of my past coming to bite me every time he tried to kiss me.  This could be my chance to end my suffering.

"Yes!" I all but shouted at him.

A megawatt smile lit up his face full of boyish charm and he wrapped his arms around me and lifted me up off of the ground and twirled me around.

I couldn't stop the girlish squeal that left my lips at this and I couldn't help but think that coming back home was probably the best thing that I could have ever done, getting away from the toxicity and allowing myself the chance to grieve my past.

Not only did I get away from him and that school, but I got to come back to Jake and I got to help my mom and take care of her and not put so much stress on her with how much living in New York cost, plus all of those extra private music lessons that cost an arm and a leg.

This way, I could concentrate more on school and her, and now a relationship.

I couldn't believe it. I was dating Jake Herring and it was all so surreal, the very thing that I had wanted from the very beginning.

I should have been floating in the stratosphere with ecstasy, the old Caroline would have been.

So why did it feel like everything was crashing to the surface?