Revolting Relations

Chapter 4/Part 1 ~ Bear-traps

 "I'm starting to suspect that we might be climbing the wrong mountain," Vrye said, scanning the steep cliffs for signs of Kyos' cavern. "It doesn't smell of goat at all around here."

He had barely stopped to scout and Alphonse was already setting up a picnic with Plod. That fellow kept awfully regular meal times. Regardless of if they were dodging lava pits, running from bushels of startled radishes, or stopping to pick off cabbage fleas, he would throw out his picnic rug for a snack at what was surely the same time each night.

"Yes. I can see Parsnypp from here, and I don't think the dragon would be near there. Too many parsnips in Parsnypp," Alphonse replied, setting out slices of potato loaf for the three of them with a few pickled vegetables on each. He placed another slice of loaf on top, and halved one of his mysterious cupcakes to share between he and Vrye. "Mind if we stop by? I'm almost out of pickles and Plod will have nothing to eat when they run out."

Vrye refrained from mentioning that the unicorn did not, in fact, eat anything. He simply rubbed his nose on his sandwich until he and Alphonse thought Vrye was looking the other way, then the Alchemist would snuffle it up.

"Are you sure that's wise? We've been wandering for long enough that word has surely got out about us."

"That's what the disguises are for. I told you to keep wearing it," Alphonse said. He pulled down his long, false beard so he could eat his sandwich.

Vrye had quite forgotten how handsome he was under it, and the momentary distraction almost sent him tumbling from the mountain.

Alphonse leapt up and reached a hand out to catch him, but a flail of panic ruined that perfect moment and Vrye grabbed the Alchemist by the beard instead.

"Sit down before you kill yourself," said Alphonse, frowning down his false nose. His grin was still there, but only made Vrye feel more of a buffoon.

Every romantic opportunity had gone awry, and he was tired of it. Tired of vegetables, slips, or shoddy knees from getting between he and his new beau.

"Dear Alphonse, I've some words for you," he said, using Alphonse to steady himself. "There's never been a thing I could not seduce, yet you have been truly frustrating. Here we've been travelling together for dozens of meals and near-death experiences, and within hours of our first meeting, you saw me bare as a peeled carrot by your own doing. So I do think, by now, it is only fair that I at least get to see you the same. With no silly beard or spectacles, either. If it makes you more comfortable, I'll drop my breeches with you."

He was perhaps a little too hasty in making good on that promise. Plod, despite his inanimate face, managed to look very shocked, and then Vrye learned where the small cakes were coming from.

But that was not the worst of it.

"The smell's comin' fae up 'ere, Gret!" came a coarse voice, soon accompanied by a Goblin. Then three more.

"Ooo-arrr! Nae a bad view!" they exclaimed together.

Ouuuhhhaaarrrgh, rumbled a surprised ogre, also choosing that very moment to pop out from behind a precipice. She lumbered over, plucked Vrye off the ground and slung him over her shoulder.

As he flapped about helplessly, a fierceness came over Alphonse. His grin split almost from ear to ear and his striking eyes were wild as he leapt to the rescue. The Nonsense sprouting from his head bristled as he wound a single woolly strand about his knitting needles. The alchemist stretched it out to meet a hair of the ogre's warts, then a few quick twiddles of the tips, she came unravelled just like that.

Vrye was left sprawled in an assortment of yarn, with his breeches just how he left them.

Then, to his amazement, Alphonse leant over and kissed him. Just a quick one, but it was all he could have wished for.