Blade Hell; Clayton's Revival

38 4 3

Author: calix-j

Genre: Fantasy/romance

Mature


I find the cover to be appealing, especially the way that the title is formatted. However, I don't see the significance in the cover background photo. What does it mean and how is it related to the story? The title, on the other hand, fits the story extremely well. The words "Blade Hell" describe the weapons that each character can summon, and they simultaneously express Clayton's view on life.  

Grammatical errors:
Chapter 1: "How ever, the other three sides..." Here, the words "how" and "ever" can be combined into a single word. 
Chapter 1: "Which is quite big, sense Autumn is 5'6." The word "sense" should be changed to "since." The term "since" means "because" in this sentence, and the word "sense" refers to one's senses. 
Chapter 1: "The metal closely resembles the look bronze..." I assume that you intended to write "the look of bronze."
Chapter 2: "A long, sharp whips occupies..." Here, the word "whip" is written in plural form when it should be singular. Be sure to check back and remove the s. 
Chapter 2: "...I thrust it into the guys shoulder." Here, there should be an apostrophe before the "s" in the word "guys" because the word is possessive.  
Chapter 2: "Another member of the gang tried rushing me while I'm attacking..." In this sentence, the words "tried rushing" are in past tense and the rest of your story is in present tense. Be sure to change this so that the tense is consistent throughout the story. 

I noticed that some of your dialogue tags are a bit plain. Often times you write "she pouts," "I remark," "I say," etc. Although these are clear enough, you could add a bit more description to what you are explaining. This is also an easy way to add more development to your characters. Perhaps instead of only stating how the characters speak, you could elaborate more into how their body language changes as they become angry, as they laugh, as they joke, etc. 

Some sections are additionally told to the audience instead of shown. For example, in Chapter 1, you described why Autumn's sword sparked and what the sparks were used for. Instead of simply explaining the usage and characteristics of the sword, you could incorporate those details as you explain how she fights with the sword. The audience may lose interest if they are simply fed information. 

I also feel that you could use more sensory details to bring the setting to life. What did it smell like? Could the characters physically feel anything? Could they taste anything? What did it sound like? You did a decent job of explaining what the setting looked like, but the audience has trouble picturing anything else about it. 

It is very interesting how the story takes place in an alternate universe. Originally, I thought that the story was based far in the future, but in Chapter 2 you mentioned that the first man to summon a weapon was actually discovered in 2008. I think this concept is very interesting, but there is one section that could use clarification. In Chapter 2, you mentioned that everybody is born with a certain weapon. However, later in the chapter, you said that the characters needed a sacrificial item, and they needed to imagine their weapon that works with their stance and then they could summon it. Can they choose any weapon that they like or are the born with one unique to them?

Your characters are very nicely developed primarily through dialogue. For example, in Chapter 1, the way that the three friends speak with one another instantaneously gives the audience an idea of their personalities. I was already able to imagine Autumn as an outgoing, hopeless romantic. You also did an excellent job of describing Clayton's view on life through his thoughts, and you used interesting scenarios to show the relationship between Autumn and Alex. I was immediately able to imagine the relationship between the three friends and what each of their roles in the story were. 

Overall, I thought the story was very unique and entertaining. Some adjustments could be made so that the plot flows more smoothly, but otherwise, it is written quite nicely! It is clear that you put lots of time and effort into this story, and I was pleasantly surprised by how exciting/suspenseful it was!


*Analysis is based on the first 5 chapters

Book Reviews (Closed for Catch-Up)Read this story for FREE!