Behind the shelf | YUTAE | ON HOLD

A hit and miss

Promotions for the title track of my song was what I've been doing with my life. I can't deny that the live performances were fucking insane. Absolutely unbelievable. And i felt strangely close to my fans. It was like I had hit a nerve in them. I felt like i could relate to them. I loved them. The were my floatation in the drowning of emotions. They were the only thing i was living for.

I've been missing a lot of school. I haven't seen my friends that much. But they've texted me a lot. Yes, i love that they treated me normally but i just felt incomplete. Between the stages and school i felt empty.
It feels like i haven't eaten anything all day. The pit in my stomach grows with every waking moment. I couldn't never tell anyone though. Even so, who would i tell? Irene and me are most likely officially not friends on top of the fact she's in Japan for her promotions. My friends wouldn't understand. Nobody could.
I was a damn celebrity for Christ's sake! Why did i feel like it wasn't enough? I felt guilty for feeling like this. Most people would kill for a chance at a life like this! I shouldn't be feeling as sick as i do!

So that's what i do with my life. Between my busy schedule i wallow in self pity. Even more than i did before That Night. I refused to dwell on that night and actually figure out what happened. It hurt to even think about.

So i pushed it back all the way to the back of my mind. Somewhere i won't ever reach without concentration and time. Two things i don't have now.

I was thankful for all of my performances and appearances i didn't have time to think about him. Maybe i can drop out of school and just forget about him. I'll never meet him again. I can pretend nothing happened. I'll leave everyone, including my friends. It's sounds insensitive and ignorant but I'd do anything to get rid of the cloud hanging over my shoulders.

I know i didn't fall in love with Yuta. I fell in love with Library Boy. The are two different people. (That's impossible) no it's not! (Yes it is) i miss Library Boy (no you miss Yuta)

I kicked my blankets in frustration. I didn't want to do this anymore. I hated the constant arguing my mind and heart did during the little free time i had.

I needed to do something i just didn't know what...