I find the cover to be a bit bland, and it isn't extremely attention grasping. It is cute and it nicely depicts the setting of the story, but I feel that the font for the title is a bit unprofessional looking. The title itself fits the story very nicely, and it briefly explains the main character's life and struggles.
I didn't notice any specific grammar issues that could be immediately changed, but I did observe a few incoherent sentences throughout your writing. I suggest that you read back over your story and reconstruct some of your sentences. Although I get the gist of what you are aiming to describe, some sentences do not make much sense. What often helps me is lending my writing to a friend to proofread and correct my mistakes. Often times we are so used to our own writing that we don't notice the errors that we make. You might also find it helpful to have somebody read over your story since they can often pinpoint the mistakes that we cannot.
Your writing is very thorough and detailed, and your audience is able to easily picture the setting. The plot seems to be deeply planned out and I like how the story flows from one event to the next. I also like how you incorporated details from the main character's past and explained why she is where she is now. You nicely explained why the character has her job, why she lives where she does, etc.
I thought the characters were generally detailed, but you could add some more personality traits. The audience is able to understand who they are, but they don't get the sense that they know the characters. By adding more personality traits and descriptions to the characters, the audience will be able to relate to them and understand them.
Overall, I thought the story was cute and it had a unique storyline. However, I feel that the story would be better written if you changed your writing style up a bit. It would be beneficial if you change up some of the wording to make the explanations a bit more clear.