Bitter Blood

39 4 0

Author: jzenas

Genre: Fantasy

PG-13


I have very mixed feelings about the cover. I think the background photo is appealing, but the sword on the front stands out a bit much and draws the reader's attention away from the rest of the cover. The font and font color also don't quite work with the story, and I feel that your work would gain much more attention if the lettering were a bit more professional looking. The title is a very nice fit to the story. Although I haven't discovered its significance in the story yet, I can imagine what it means. 

Grammar errors:
Chapter 1: "I haven't had a day of in months." The word "of" should be changed to "off."
Chapter 1: "Her smug grin fell off of her face as her dreamed flashed through her mind again." The word "dreamed" needs to be changed to "dream."
Chapter 2: "She sped up her pace as the approached..." I believe you meant to write "as she approached."
Chapter 2: "Woman didn't learn to fight on their own in the capital." The word "woman" (singular) should be changed to "women" (plural) since you are writing about multiple people.
Chapter 3: "One of you stay and tell the captain I am retiring and his presence is no longer needed."  Based on the information provided earlier in the story, I believe that Zelia is the captain. If this is the case, the phrase that says "his presence is no longer...." is a bit confusing because I thought Zelia was a woman. If she is not, in fact, the captain of the guard, then that should be clarified early in the story. 
Chapter 4: "...but he could stop his rising panic." I assume you meant to write "he couldn't stop."

The story is written beautifully and it is extremely easy to follow. Something that I suggest adding are more descriptions on the setting in the first chapter. After reading Zelia's dream/flashback (it is not entirely clear which one it was) I pictured Zelia to be held in a dingy basement or room. However, when the characters began speaking, I realized that this was not the case. In this section, the setting was a bit unclear which made it difficult for me to understand where the story was taking place. 
In Chapter 2, however, the setting is very clear and the descriptions are spectacular. The chapter offered some insight on the Capital and I was able to easily picture its location. The terms that you used also developed a very strong mood of hopelessness in the first few chapters. 

I also noticed that you have bits of dialogue spread between your paragraphs. Keep in mind that a new paragraph should begin every time a different character speaks/responds. If the same character is speaking, then dialogue tags can be used within the same paragraph.

I thought the plot moved very smoothly and there weren't any sections that were boring or overwhelming. The first chapter contained a the right amount of information and it is the perfect length for Wattpad readers. You grasp the audience's attention from the beginning and maintain it throughout the story. I loved how the first chapter ended, and it easily pulled me into the second chapter. The story links together very nicely and I didn't notice any plot holes. 

 The characters and their actions are very detailed, and you do an excellent job of subtly describing their roles in the story. Your explanations are very clear and the audience is immediately able to understand Zeila and the way she thinks. As I continued reading, I experienced Zelia's different sides, and she was overall quite admirable. In the beginning I found her to be aggressive, but her actions after the fight in Chapter 2 made her seem much more caring. I also love how the story is written around different characters. It offers several different views of the world that you created. 

Overall, I thought the story was spectacularly written and extremely attention-grasping. I loved the setting and each of the characters were extremely unique and powerful in their own ways. The story's twists all came together very nicely and the pace was perfect. 


*Analysis is based on the first 5 chapters


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