The Hidden Clues

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Author: yshailaa

Genre: Mystery/thriller

The title fits very nicely with the plot of the story and it matches the blurb perfectly. By reading the title, your readers instantly have an idea of what the story is about. The cover is also attention-grasping and it depicts a very action-packed and thrilling story with just the right amount of suspense.

Grammar errors:
Chapter 1: "'Oh shoot! The nerve cord is damaged.' 'Don't worry sir! I'll be back with the stretcher.'" Here, you used separate sets of quotation marks with no dialogue tags in between. If you intend to separate the person's words, you have two options: you can either close one set of words with quotation marks and then open new quotation marks for the second section in a new paragraph OR you could combine everything the man says into one single set of quotation marks. However, you cannot use two sets of quotation marks consecutively if the same person is speaking. I noticed this later in Chapter 1 as well.
Chapter 1: "All that heard included screaming, grunting, the sound of helicopters and ambulances." I don't entirely understand what this sentence means, because the word "heard" does not work well with the rest. Perhaps you could change this sentence to something like "The noise around him included screaming, grunting, and the sound of helicopters and ambulances." (I assume this is the image that you intended to get across. Let me know if you had a different idea in mind).
Chapter 2: "Phillona is as old as her name." Here, you said "Phillona is" which is in present tense. The rest of your story is written in past tense, so be sure to correct this so that the tense is consistent.

The pace of the story is quite fast with not enough imagery. Be sure to add more sensory details and descriptions on the setting and the characters. The speed of the story was almost too fast to keep up with and some sections didn't match up. For example, in the middle of Chapter 1, some men said that Izein escaped and that they could not find him. Then the leader told the men to "shoot him already." Did he tell them to shoot Izein? If so, how did the men manage to shoot him if he was missing? If they didn't shoot Izein, who did they shoot? What was his significance in the story?
Additionally, the phone call at the end of Chapter 1 was a bit confusing. You mentioned that someone was playing an online game and then you wrote that a character named Phillona picked up the phone. At this point, the audience assumed that Phillona was the person playing the online game, and it is confusing when she hands off the phone to somebody else who was not mentioned before. I found Chapter 1 to be a bit disorganized and confusing as a whole, but it was still a bit suspenseful and it ended with a cliffhanger.
In Chapter 2, the dialogue does not fit the time period or the setting at all. It sounds much more like a conversation Shakespeare would have rather than a 21st century detective. The dialogue makes the chapter seem extremely dramatic and unrealistic.
The passing of time also isn't very clearly depicted. You explained that Karna cried, and then suddenly Phillona said "Get up! It's been three days!" Before this, the audience assumed that Karna's breakdown only lasted for a short period of time. This stretched-out period of time also makes the story seem very unrealistic. Based on my limited understanding of detectives and their line of work, I thought that they needed to be well-trained in putting their emotions aside and facing the task at hand. Karna's three-day breakdown makes him seem as though he was untrained and unfit for the job.

I thought the chapters were a bit short as well. They contained a perfect amount of information, but you could have expanded on the details more to make the setting and characters clearer.

The characters seem quite bland so far. Not enough details have been provided for the audience to understand what their personalities are and how they look. Be sure to go back and expand on who the characters are, as the audience will be able to relate more easily and the book will seem more realistic.

Overall, I really liked the concept of your story, but it could be more organized in order to make it more interesting. Once the events link up more smoothly and the setting and characters are described more thoroughly, the story will be much more suspenseful and exciting.

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