Paranoid

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Age : 15

- M I K E -

A calm smile spreads across my face while she's sleeping. El's head rests on my chest.
Her arm draped lazily across me.
Her face is content, a small smile on her lips.
Her hair is a little messy from me playing with it as she fell asleep.
My arm is around her waist.

I wonder who she's dreaming of.
Is it me? Or is it the person she wishes I'd be?
Because I could just see her with somebody else on her arm.
Someone better.
Taller, stronger, a lot cuter. Less nerdy. Less emotional. Over all just better.
Someone that isn't me.
El is so beautiful. So kind. So loving. So perfect.

I can't control this feeling, keep wondering who she's dreaming of.
After all these nights laying right by her side, how could my brain make me feel so far?
I know how she feels about me, I do.
She tells me how much she loves me pretty much every day.
We have our own little inside jokes and moments which make her love me even more, she says. She says it shows her I care. 
She says her list of reasons she loves me grows every day.

Maybe it's a case of paranoia...
Nervous that I'll never really know her.
She says she's talking to me honestly.
But my mind makes it seem as though she's lying to me constantly.
I look down at her.
Did you lie when you called it love?
Or am I crazy?
What do I feel? Who do I trust?

Damn it Michael keep it together.
Got me second guessing everything she says.
I'm thinking I know her but maybe she's really just a stranger.
Damn it.
All this bullshit, I don't need it.
I must be going crazy.

El is the best thing to ever happen to me.
Maybe that's why I'm so paranoid.
I'm just worried I can't make her feel how she makes me feel...
She's got her hands down the back of my soul, and the more I show her, the more I'm afraid.
I'm afraid she won't like me for who I really am, afraid I'm not enough.
Afraid that she's going to wake up, realize I'm not the one-
that she thought I was
that I thought I was
Am I am who I am who am I ?

I've gone too far.
Thought too much.
I'm too stuck in my head.
Breathe, breathe, breathe
Just keep breathing and breathing and breathing
But I can't
It's not working this time
I can't calm down this time

I hold El closer as I start falling into an anxiety attack
Hoping I won't wake her
However, as if right on cue she jolts awake.

- ELEVEN -

" Mike... " I breathe out as I realize what's going on.
He's having another anxiety attack.
He's been having them a lot recently.
I hate to see him like this, it hurts me more than he'll ever know...

" Breathe baby, breathe.. " I say calmly and rest my hands on the sides of his face.
The tears keep coming though.
What happened?
I thought he was sleeping?
He seemed happy today.
He seemed better than usual...
Is this because of me?
El, no, you can't freak out right now.
He needs you.
He stares into my eyes and tries his best to breathe but it just keeps getting worse.

" Mike, honey, it's okay. Please breathe. Breathe for me. I know it's hard but you have to. " I say, staying as calm as I can.

" I'm sorry " He manages to choke out.
" Sorry? Why? " I ask.
" Paranoid " he cries.
" Baby, no...no. You don't have to be sorry. Now now. Not ever. There's no reason for it. Please explain to me. " I reply.
" Not good enough. "
" Hm? "
" me " He says weakly as more tears come along with his jagged breathing.
" Not good enough? Mike you're everything to me. " I say truthfully.
" No. I'm not who you think. " he stutters in response.
" Mike I don't know what you're talking about "
" worthless " he starts repeating over and over.
Worthless? What will it take for him to understand?
" Mike I love you so, so, so much. You know that. You are the opposite of worthless. God I, I don't know what more to say to make you understand...you're so perfect Mike. Everything about you. You being worthless shouldn't even be a thought in your head. "

He holds me close and cries into my shoulder.
I run my fingers through his hair, trying to calm him down. I keep whispering compliments and reassuring words to him.

after about an hour and a half he finally exhausts himself from all the crying and passes out.
I place a gentle kiss on his head and lay down, laying him down with me, his head resting on my stomach.

I wish Mike could see himself how I see him.

- M I K E -

I wake up with a mild headache and look up at El who is playing with my hair.
" Goodmorning Mike " she says quietly with a gentle smile.
I wonder why I have this headache.
Why my eyes feel puffy and my throat a little soar.
And then I remember last night.

" Maybe I'm crazy... " I think out loud.
" I'm sorry I wasn't much help last night. " El responds sadly.
" Baby I love you so much, thank you for even trying. " I reply, placing a kiss on her nose.
" But baby I'd love to not be paranoid... " I continue.

" I know...but it's not really your fault. You just care so much that it gets overwhelming. I understand. " El holds my head in her hands.
" You always understand. " I say.
" Well I've felt the way you feel before. " She replied and paused before continuing " But you just love me so much and make me feel so wanted and good that I eventually got over it. I want to do the same for you. "
" El, I love you so goddamn much. " I said placing a kiss on her lips.
She kissed back and replied " I know Mike. I love you too. I love you the most. "
Maybe it won't be that hard to stop being so Paranoid.

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Hey guys! Hope you like this one, paranoid by Lauv is such an amazing song and I knew it'd be perfect for Mike and El. 💗💗💗

𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄 𝐇𝐔𝐍𝐃𝐑𝐄𝐃 𝐅𝐈𝐅𝐓𝐘 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄 𝐃𝐀𝐘𝐒 Where stories live. Discover now