Trust Me

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Rule Number Thirty: Know when to let go.

"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish; it does not take offence and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other peoples sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end". 

He loved me, and every day that passed he loved me more. I wasn't overly religious but I thought of a scripture when people expressed the importance of unconditional love in a marriage.

It rang true in all ways, love wasn't something that you forgot about. Either it was there or it wasn't. And if it wasn't, one could wonder why they ever tried at all.

I had made a lot of mistakes in life.

I once wore a white bikini for my pool party when I was thirteen. That was the same day I had gotten my period for the first time. When I was sixteen I borrowed my mom's Chanel boy bag just to snag the leather on the door hinge.

My miserable luck mixed with my bad judgement, allowed many lessons to be learned. But I had never made a mistake as big as Harry.

And that had nothing to do with bad luck, that was all horrible judgement.

I hoped one day I would look back and see that this all made sense, that I finally made someone proud. It would mean all the more if that person ended up being me.

I had seen so many women around me become desperate for the need to be married. That's was what was supposed to happen, right? You were meant to be married.

When I was a teenager I imagined meeting the man of my dreams and end up getting hitched at the age of twenty-one. It was young, yes, but I was a hopeless romantic.

I could never place why I had been so eager for marriage. But when I turned twenty-one single and bought my first apartment single as well, then it hhurtsa lot more than it should've.

Things just hadn't worked out for me the way I wanted them too. And then Tom came along, it just made sense.

The sound of the shower woke me, I listened as Tom shuffled around in the space and I knew then that I was hopelessly stuck in the middle of the two brothers.

I loved Tom, but I wasn't sure what type of love it had become. I was scared it wasn't going to last but I didn't know where the fear came from.

From the exhausted feeling of my form, I would've thought that it had been earlier in the morning. But it was shortly after nine when Tom sat on the bed beside me.

I felt the bed dip down, and Toms' hand came to brush my hair off my forehead. My eyes fluttered open to see his face illuminated by the morning sun.

"I'm taking you and Harry to the city for a couple of days" his smile all-consuming. The idea of going into the city and not being left alone with Harry was comforting.

I couldn't be trusted around him.

"Sounds fun" I sighed getting up from laying down.

-

The air was cold in London, it was wet and it went with the mood that I was in. The hotel room was lonely and it was the first time during this trip that I felt like a true third wheel.

Tom had been enthusiastic about showing me the new office. It made me nauseous because to be quite honest anything to do with my father had that effect.

But after what had happened yesterday without his knowledge. I decided that it was the least I could do. After all, I had kissed his wife.

And Ana hid away in her room, needing rest from her bout of exhaustion. Her conscience also didn't allow her to sleep.

The office was empty without anything in it, the walls were a bright white and boxes were scattered on the floor in the process of being sorted. I found it humorous that they decided against the homey feel and migrated towards the modern way.

"How was yesterday?" Tom spoke breaking me out of my trance. My vision not leaving the construction of the space.

"It rained like hell all day and so I'm sure it wasn't super fun" He laughed, I smirked, it wasn't a happy smile, instead it was a cautious one. As if he could read my thoughts through it, I couldn't display my emotions on my face.

Running my hand through my hair I sighed "It was alright, I showed Ana the horses and the rest of the day was spent being asked the same question by grandma over and over again".

Tom laughed again amused by my misery. Even with his chilled out, cheery mood he seemed off. I wonder when the last time was that he fucked her.

Had he gotten bored? Had the fascination regarding her burned out? I was such a jealous asshole and really it was none of my business. But her having sex with anyone peaked my interest. Even if it wasn't with me.

The moment in the stable, when I had felt her intimate heat beneath my fingertips had been painful. I wanted her so badly, I wanted her in any way I could have her. I wanted her so intensely it hurt. But her trust in me had been smashed to shit.

I pushed a board with my foot, letting the sour thought leave my brain.

"I need your opinion on something" the mood shifted and this caught my attention.

"I'll try my best to be helpful" I shoved my hands in my pockets.

"I think Ana has a problem. Things have been hell lately, she doesn't let up and I can never say the right thing. She has an eating disorder, I know she does. I've known for a long time and I've tried to pass it off as a girl thing. But Harry, I think she's really sick" Tom's face looked worried, his mouth in a straight line.

I swallowed hard not stopping myself from the thought that this might all be my fault. She was thin, and sometimes it didn't take for it to be at the point of damage for it to be a problem.

My poor Ana had been tormented by something that constantly ran through her mind. But she would never tell anyone why. We had all failed her and what if we lost her because of it?

Having curves wasn't the end of the world but losing your life was.

"She clearly has an eating disorder Tom anyone with a brain could see that" I tried not to sound condescending but I wanted to mask my hurt. Because I was worried about her, I thought it had just been me who had realized it, but apparently, it was
transparent.

"Do you think she needs help?" He wondered his concern turning to anxiety.

"She has to come to that realization herself" And I knew she wouldn't because she was beyond stubborn. But I could tell Tom loved her endlessly, he would do anything for her in the fear of losing Ana forever.

And maybe that had made him spineless, maybe she had already taken him for everything he was worth. Maybe she was giving us all a run for our money.

"Your right" Tom finally admitted, "Who thought being an adult would be this hard".

He sadly shook his head, and at that moment I'd never related to Tom so much in my life. Because adult life was horrible, and no one ever told you that until you got there. They led you with falsities and made it so appealing. But in reality, it fucking sucked.

Every fear you had in your self-was magnified. You could run but it would follow you. Responsibility had a way of doing that.

As I watched him stare at the wall, digesting his life. I knew at that moment that maybe I didn't belong here at all and I never would. That the only reason I had stayed in New York was to try and get someone that would never be mine.

I could leave and say I'm sorry in a years time. Fulfill my life elsewhere. I could be middle class with the secret that I had once had a trust fund that would allow me to live comfortably. But that I gave it all up to feel free.

It just wasn't who I was.

I'm sorry but I have to leave it here. A huge event in the story is coming and if I continued on it would be super long and not flow very well. What do we think of these two?

©2017, thirteen13blue

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