A Whistle on the Wind

57 4 2

Author: macy_l_rose

Genre: Horror

Frightening scenes


I love the story title, and the readers learn what the phrase means in the fourth chapter. The words "a whistle on the wind" are a significant part of the story. The text on the cover is professional and appealing, but the cover photo isn't as attention-grasping. I feel that the story would gain more recognition if the cover stood out more as a horror story. When I first saw the cover with the moon, I imagined that I would be reading a werewolf story, but that was not the case. 

Grammar/spelling errors:
Chapter 1: "I keep feeling to vomit." This is not grammatically correct, and depending on the idea that you intend to get across, there are some different ways to reword the sentence. If you intend to write how the character needs to vomit, you could simply write "I feel like I'm going to vomit." If the character feels sick due to unpleasant information, a bad smell, etc. you could write "I want to vomit."

Chapter 2: "There really wasn't that many things." There is an inconsistency with numbers here: "Wasn't" is singular and "things" is plural. Be sure to adjust this so that the words and meanings always match. 
Chapter 2: The sentence beginning with "Of course, great grandpa Joseph loved the countryside..." Is a very long run-on. You should shorten this into two or three separate sentences. 
Chapter 2: "I remember thinking to myself 'Is this where we are going to live?'" When you write a direct thought, be sure to italicize it, as the audience has trouble distinguishing dialogue from thoughts if quotation marks are used for both. 
Chapter 2: "Dear reader, I hope I didn't confuse you. I promise it will all make sense in due time." Is this a note to the audience or is this section part of the story? If it is a note to your readers, you should format it differently from the rest of the story so that it is obvious that it is not a part of the story. 

You generally use a wide variety of words and terms in your writing, but there were some sections in which your vocabulary seemed a bit limited. For example, in Chapter 1, you wrote "I didn't realise when I actually fell asleep, and I woke up to the sound of breakfast. I checked the time on the clock on the wall, and I realised that it was 8 in the morning." Here, you used the word "realise" twice in two consecutive sentences, which made the descriptions seem rather bland. Additionally, you should look out for any numbers and make sure that you spell them out rather than simply typing the number itself. Perhaps you could change the wording to something like "I drifted off to sleep without a second thought, and I woke to the familiar sound of breakfast being cooked. I sat up to check the clock on the wall, and I realized that it was already eight in the morning."

Your story clearly contains a very thought-out plot and deeply-considered background information, but the way that it is provided to the audience is a bit disorganized. For example, in Chapter 1, you offer information on the present and the past, and there is no particular pattern in which the information is provided. Perhaps you could begin the chapter with a flashback and then build to the present. It was a bit confusing to read over scenes from the present then scenes from the past with no clear order. If you intended to provide primarily background information, perhaps you could write a prologue and include those details. 

While reading your story, I observed that your writing style is rather simple and composed of many simple sentences. I feel that the story would be more intense and suspenseful if you combined more sentences together in order to write longer, more complete thoughts that flow with one another. Additionally, I had a hard time picturing the setting. Perhaps you could add some more sensory details into the story to make the setting more clear and visible to the audience. I noticed that you tend to tell the story rather than show it, such as when you introduced the characters in the first chapter. It would be more interesting if you worked the characters' names and information into the chapter as you wrote rather than using single sections to introduce them. You could also change some simple words to more descriptive ones. You primarily explained what a character did and what he/she said, but you never really expressed how they spoke or how they moved. Little details like this will make the story seem much more realistic and lively. 
Despite the slight lack in explanations, you did an excellent job of creating a suspenseful storyline and developing a frightening and unnatural mood. This grasped my attention, and I was instantly ready to discover what was to happen later in the story. You did a spectacular job of building a frightening and intense mood, and I was a bit scared as I read the story!
Note to self: Do not read before going to bed!

I really enjoyed the plot of the story and your ideas that went into the events that occurred. I feel that you could add some more suspense into the first couple of chapters and have them move a bit faster. I found the beginning of the story to be rather slow, and it wasn't until about the third chapter that I was really engrossed in the story. You do an excellent job of introducing what is to come and you include some shocking twists, but you could add a bit more detail and suspense to it. 

The characters are nicely developed and you do an excellent job of expressing Macy's thoughts and feelings. The readers could understand her fear, sadness, happiness, etc. but she lacked some basic traits. The audience doesn't learn what she (or any of the characters) looks like until later in the story, they don't understand what she speaks like, etc. It would be beneficial if you go back over the first couple of chapters and add these details in so that the characters are more relatable and easier to imagine. 

Overall, the story was very entertaining, suspenseful, and frightening. Your descriptions set a very strong mood and the events in the story caused my heart to race. I'm excited yet scared to continue the story! XD


*Analysis is based on the first 5 chapters

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