Chapter 42 - i don't want just now

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Mom was so excited when I called her to tell her that I was planning to go to New York to visit her and Sam.

She was also excited because she got to meet Ethan, which makes me happy. I hope she'll like him, and more importantly, I hope Sam will like him.

Ethan is very excited too.

He is planning so many things.
He went to New York so many times with Grayson but he never went to Brooklyn, so he really wants me to make him visit, as much as I physically can.

I'm here, laying on my bed, just looking at him going through his phone, trying to found the perfect places to go in Brooklyn. He is so focused.

A tear run down my cheek.

That was not a sad tear.

I just had so many feelings coming at once, seeing him like that.

He is just so effortlessly beautiful, and kind, and smart, and creative, and weird, and caring, and amazing and so many other things, all at the same time.

I'm here and I look at him and I feel so happy.

Sometimes when I'm with e, it's so perfect and beautiful and I feel so good that it almost feels like the calm before the storm.
You know, that perfect moment, when there is no sound, the sea is calm, the birds fly peacefully and there is no wind.

Everything is calm and perfect.

And this feeling that overwhelms me is so wonderful, I never felt that before.


I run my hand through Ethan's hair and he quickly turned his head towards me, with a smile on his face.

"You okay ?" He asked when he saw I was silently crying.

I couldn't help but cry even more.

"Yeah." I said with a big smile.
"I'm actually very happy right now." I told him.

Ethan shut his phone down and put it on the bed side table.
He took my hand in his and then the other around my waist. Slowly he sat me on his laps. My legs were wrapped around his torso, just like last night.
He had wrapped his arms around me, protectively. My head was on his chest and I could perfectly hear his heartbeat.

"Are you cold ?" He asked me.
"A little bit." I admitted.

He pulled back and then adjusted his hoodie and told me to come in with him. I quickly took off my shirt and did as I was told too.
Soon we were both in his oversized hoodie, body against body, his arms wrapped around me once again.
I could feel his body warming me up while I nuzzled into him and breathing in the warm aroma of his cologne.

"Better ?" He whispered.

And it was true.

I was better. I always feel better when I'm close to him.


Ethan was different today. He was in a very very good mood.

He was talking a lot, smiling and laughing a lot. He was opening up to me, he was talking about his very deepest feelings and secrets.

He was letting me see a part of him a rarely see and it makes me so happy.

At some point we started talking about my list, about our plans to how to complete it. He asked me what tattoo I wanted to get, and I told him that I was still thinking about it.
He told me he was going to get one himself the same day as me so that we could do some couple goals shit.
I hit him on the arm, telling him to stop being so cringe and that I don't want to be one of those "couple goals."

He laughed after that and I just listened to his laugh, my face still pressed against his chest.


"What would you write on your list ?" I asked him after a moment.
"What do you mean ?"
"Like, what do you want the most in life ? What do you want so badly that it's worth being on your list ?"

Ethan remained silent a few seconds, probably thinking.

"I want..." He started.
"Never mind..."

I frowned.

"What ? What do you want ?"
"You" He answered quickly.

It was as if he said that this quick because he knew that if he thought about it one more second he wasn't gonna say it.

He tightened his embrace and put me closer to him.
He put me closer and closer.
I knew his eyes were closed. I knew he was trying to control his feelings, control his fears and his thoughts.

"I want you... Forever." He whispered.

My hands were going up and down on his very muscular back that I loved so much.

"I'm here now." I told him.
"I know. But I don't want just now, Mao."

I kissed his shoulder.

"I know. And I don't neither..."

"But ?" He asked, knowing I hadn't finished talking.
"But we both know I'm not gonna last forever. I'm dying, and I'm running out of time, e."

"Why ? Why does that has to happen to you ?" He asked.
"I mean there is soooo many people on this planet, why you ? Out of everybody ?"
"I don't know. It's not fair, it's not comprehensible or logic, it's just the way it is."

Ethan nodded.

"I'm scared." He said.
"Me too." I admitted.

I can't hide anything from him. He knows I'm scared.
I don't want to die, who would, with someone as amazing as him by they side ?

Sometimes my body hurts so bad that I wish I couldn't feel anything anymore, but I never wanted to die. Not once.
At least not since I have the chance to wake up to Ethan's face right in front of mine.

I could handle any pain, just to wake up next to him one more time.


"What am I going to do when you're gone?" Ethan whispered.

I kissed his shoulder again, smiling against his skin.
It wasn't a sad smile.
Or maybe it was. But at that right moment I wasn't thinking about myself.
I was thinking about this handsome man pressed against me.
I was thinking about him and his life.
I don't know if it was really a question or if he was asking this for himself, but I still wanted to answer that, because he needed to hear it from me.



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