An Ember Bright

58 7 5

Author: ayo723

Genre: Fantasy


The cover and title nicely encapsulate the story, but I feel that the cover as a whole is a bit bland. If I had seen the story by scrolling through Wattpad, I would not deliberately decide to read the story. I feel that the cover could include some additional effects to make it more attention-grasping and appealing. The story itself was absolutely incredible, and I was disappointed to see a cover that didn't live up to the story's potential. On the other hand, the title fits perfectly with the story. It outlines the main point of the story and the characters, and it draws the reader in. 

Grammar errors:
Prologue: "It didn't take much guesswork since They didn't come often." The word "They" does not need to be capitalized, as it is not a proper noun nor the first word in a sentence.
Prologue: "...the man outside was the lord of Rioda, the province the City of Dela, and the orphanage, resided in." This sentence was incomplete and it took me quite a while to really understand what you were trying to get across. The phrase "resided in" did not fit with the sentence, and it thew me off a bit. Perhaps you could change this sentence as a whole to "...the man outside was the lord of Rioda, the province, the city of Dela, and the orphanage, which resided in his territory." Additionally, you capitalized the word City, which is not needed, unless the city itself is named "City of Dela."
Chapter 1: "Vendors scream manically, almost throwing their wares onto other." I assume that you intended to write "others," as in the vendors were throwing their wares onto other people.

Something that was a bit confusing in the beginning was the lack of names. Perhaps you could have included the orphan's name earlier in the prologue, as descriptions began to blend together later on. For example, in the Prologue, you wrote "The pair exuded arrogance, wealth, and power. It was intimidating. The girl clutched the pendant under her shirt." The way that you began the paragraph by describing the Lord and Valentina made it seem as if you were describing how Valentina clutched the pendant rather than the orphan. Be sure to make these sections as clear as possible, especially when names are not yet mentioned. Additionally, some terms were a bit confusing in the beginning, such as a "transfer." You didn't clearly describe exactly what a transfer was, so I was a bit confused on why children were being taken and what they were being used for. It is best to give a clear explanation in the beginning rather than adding little bits as you write, because the audience can't be expected to make that connection right away. 

I must say, the descriptions are absolutely spectacular and you did a beautiful job of painting the setting for the reader. I could vividly imagine the storm, the coach, and the characters immediately after I began reading. Sensory details are used constantly, which gives the audience a consistent idea of the environment in which the characters are living. You additionally did an exceptional job of expressing the characters' thoughts and feelings, and this allowed your readers to easily understand and relate to them.

When I began reading the prologue, I was a bit skeptical about how long it was. I originally assumed that it would contain more information that necessary and that it would begin to drag on. However, I was pleasantly surprised when I finished it. It was full of detail and suspense, and it didn't include any unnecessary information. The explanations linked together very nicely and formed a complete event, which quickly grasped my attention and pulled me into the first chapter.  

The characters are very thoroughly detailed and their actions perfectly fit their ages and personalities. Their encounters weren't overly exaggerated and I was able to picture exactly how they were feeling and why they felt that way. I could additionally understand why they reacted to scenarios the way that they did, and they each had unique personalities. 

Overall, I found the story to be extremely engrossing and very entertaining. The story immediately grasped my attention and held it throughout. It is clear that you spent lots of time to plan and write your story, and your work greatly paid off. I'm extremely excited to continue reading and see how the story unravels!

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