The Surname Mistake

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Author: mitrey-nim

Genre: Romance


The cover is cute and it clearly represents a romance book, but it is not as elegant or attention-grasping as the story suggests. I feel that perhaps the font of the title could be changed so that it fits the photo on the cover a bit more easily. I love how the title's meaning works its way into the story during the first couple of chapters, and it clearly expresses how the story begins. 

Grammar errors:
Chapter 1: "He spat resting his oh-so-delicate hand of his on the side of his hip." In this sentence, the word "his" was used twice to express the same meaning. Because of this, the word only needs to be used once. To fix this, you could change the sentence to either "...resting his oh-so-delicate hand on the side of his hip" or "...resting the oh-so-delicate hand of his on the side of his hip."
Chapter 1: "I walked out off the bathroom in a form of ice..." Here, the word "off" should be changed to "of."
Chapter 1: "Im heading out now!!" The word "Im" should include an apostrophe, as it is a combination of the words "I am." (Commonly used words with apostrophes: I'm, I've, they're, you're). Additionally, the sentence did not need two exclamation points, as the audience can understand the tone of the character's words with just one. 
Chapter 1: "I was greeted by a dreamy features of the man right in front of me." Here, the sentence contains a mix between plural and singular words that do not agree. "a dreamy" is singular whereas "features" is plural. You could change this to "I was greeted by the dreamy features of the man right in front of me." The word "the" refers to all of the character's features rather than just one. 
Chapter 1: "He was gifted with a perfect asymmetrical nose." I don't entirely understand what you are explaining here. I assume you meant to write "symmetrical," as the character was described to be very handsome. "Asymmetrical" means to be different on both sides whereas "symmetrical" means to be the same, or for something to mirror itself. 
Chapter 2: "...I heard him spoke." Here, the word "spoke" should be changed to "speak" due to its usage in the sentence. 
Chapter 2: "I didn't heard anything from him but just a nod." The word "heard" can be changed to "hear." This is similar to the point mentioned above. 

Something that you could keep an eye out for is the use of commas. Some sentences were missing commas, which made the audience feel as if you were rambling. Sometimes it helps to speak aloud when writing, and when you add a pause in a sentence, that is commonly where a comma needs to go. I would be more than happy to point out some sections that are missing punctuation, if you need some help with that :)

The tense that is used in the story is also inconsistent in some places. This is something that I have noticed very often while reviewing stories, but it is always something important to keep in mind. For example, in Chapter 1, you wrote "I slowly looked up and realized that what I bumped into wasn't a wall at all (past tense)..." In the next paragraph, the tense changed to present tense: "He has a tan-ish skin tone and jet black hair that is swept to the side, revealing his beautiful forehead." As your story is primarily written in past tense, be sure to keep this consistent as you continue writing.
Note: Verbs in past tense often end in -ed. Keep this in mind as you write your story :)

I think it is cute how the term "fudge" is commonly used as a curse word. It helps express the innocence of the characters in addition to adding a stressful mood to the story. 

While reading your story, I noticed that you seem to tell the audience what is going on rather than showing. For example, in Chapter 1, you explained what happened to Evon's parents, but you did not add any additional explanations. How was Evon feeling? Was it a tragic experience? How does she feel now? Without these details, the characters seem rather detached from their experiences. Because of this, the characters are bland and the audience cannot relate to them as well as they should be able to. 

I find the pace to be much too fast with too few details. In chapter 1, I already lost track of where Evon was as soon as she left her house. Then, I felt that she ran into the attractive man much too soon in the story. The story could use some more build-up and many more sensory details. Where was Evon? What did it smell like? What did it sound like? How did she feel? When you mention these things throughout the story, the scene becomes much more lively. Be sure to spend more time describing the setting so that the audience can understand where the characters' encounters take place. 

The characters aren't as thorough as they could be. They are rather flat instead of round, which makes it difficult for your readers to understand and relate to them. Some of their experiences are also very fast-paced and a tad cliche. I can't name how many stories I have read in which the main character's story begins with somebody he/she unexpectedly bumped into. Although it is perfectly alright to use this scenario, I feel that it would have been more unique if the characters had a conversation or handled the situation differently. Overall, the characters just seem a bit unoriginal and bland. If you add some additional personality traits or more dialogue, the audience would already be able to connect with them much more easily. 
You may also want to mention how old the characters are a bit earlier in the story. Originally, I expected Evon's brother to be a child, but as I continued reading, he turned out to be much older than I thought. 

As a whole, I think the story is decently written, especially considering English is not your first language. Most of the mistakes that were made in the story are also commonly made by native English speakers, so it is truly impressive how nicely the story was written. The mistakes that I mentioned are simply just areas that could be improved in order to make your writing more clear, but it is lovely overall! I am interested in seeing how your writing progresses as you continue with your stories!


*Analysis is based on the first 5 chapters

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