Blinded by Perfection

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Author: crystalclear_em

Genre: Mystery/Romance


The cover is very appealing and the audience can instantly see that the story is a romance novel. I like the fonts and style used in the title, and it is both cute and professional. The only thing I am not too fond of is the text in the corner: "Her stubbornness, his reluctance." I love the phrases, but I think that they would be more attention-grasping if they were centered and perhaps in a smaller, clearer font. Otherwise, I think the cover fits the story very nicely! The title also begins to fit more and more as the reader continues through the story. 

Grammar mistakes:
Chapter 1: You wrote "Mine is the most bulkiest." Here, you would need to write either "Mine is the most bulky," or "Mine is the bulkiest." The words "most bulkiest" cannot be used together, as they both express exactly the same meaning. 
Chapter 1: "I was extremely taken aback by how fast her old and withering muscles could swing a cane that fast." Here, you repeat the word "fast" in the sentence in different places, but they both describe the speed of the cane. The second use of "fast" is not necessary, as you already covered how quickly the old lady could swing a cane. 
Chapter 1: "...I huff as my blue hued eyes I inherited from my mother to playfully roll at his antics as the ghost of a smile etches its way onto my lips." This is one long run-on sentence and the actions that you are trying to describe are not completed. Perhaps you could reword this section to something like: "I huff as my blue hued eyes roll at his antics. My irises are different from his, which makes it obvious that I inherited them from my mother. I think back to his enthusiasm and a ghost of a smile etches its way onto my lips."
Chapter 1: "We had a chance to sat goodbye yesterday, but it already seems like I haven't seen her for years." Small typo here ("sat" instead of "say").
Chapter 1: "it appeared unkempt, as if no one had taken the time to get maintenance." This section in the story is written in past tense, but the rest of the story is written in present tense. Be sure to keep an eye out for any inconsistencies in tense as you continue writing. Additionally, it seems that you have forgotten to capitalize "it" (the first word in the sentence).
Chapter 2: "'I can clean thi-' I'm even able to finish my sentence, for she interrupts me. 'it's fine, I've got this. Go get ready for school.'" Be sure to check this section again and alter it so that the explanations work with what the characters are saying. 
Chapter 4: "I have already went through the lunch line and currently approach an empty table near the line of vending machines I can have to myself." This sentence contains a misplaced modifier which makes it seem as though Kirstin is explaining how she has the vending machines to herself instead of the table. Additionally, the word "went" should be changed to "gone." 

Something that you could keep an eye out for is using apostrophes when speaking possessively. For example, in Chapter 1, you wrote: "It's an attempt to get just a few more minutes of the scorching suns familiar warmth..." Here, the word "suns" should contain an apostrophe (sun's), as it is the sun that possesses the familiar warmth. I also noticed a similar mistake earlier in Chapter 1 where you wrote "...the car slightly dips under our carry ons weight." Here, the word "ons" should contain an apostrophe as well, because the carry ons are what possess the weight. 

One thing I noticed that doesn't seem to match up with the beginning of the story is how the family will be tight on money. It was explained that Kirsten's father's company would be paying for their apartment until they make enough money to move elsewhere, but where is the money from their house in Florida going? Are they selling their old house? If not, it is understandable how the family might not have enough money to buy a house right away (or if it hasn't sold yet). However, if they are selling their house, how do they not have enough money to purchase a new home in Michigan for themselves? Even if it is a small apartment or town home. 

The pace of the story is fairly consistent throughout, and it never gets particularly boring. The story also has some humor strung throughout that makes the audience appreciate the characters' personalities and the writing style of the author. For example, in Chapter 1, you wrote "We were supposed to be on the road an hour ago, but our Labrador German Shepard mix, Sultan, decided it would be a nice time to puke all over the neighbor's front porch." I found this to be an entertaining addition to the story, especially because of the stressful moving situation. It offered some comedic relief. 

The writing is quite descriptive throughout the story. You do an excellent job of describing the setting, the characters, their personalities, and objects. The audience has no trouble imagining the story setting, and you use many sensory details that allow your readers to really understand how the characters are feeling. 

I did notice a few plot holes early in the story. For example, in Chapter 1, you explained how Kirsten looked at her wall at her photos in her new room, but you never explained that she put them on the wall. The only thing that was mentioned was how she sat on her bed and scrolled through Instagram, but she hadn't decorated her room yet. 

Another thing I noticed is that the early chapters are quite long, and they contain an amount of information that is almost excessive. They tend to cover a large series of events rather than more specific areas, which makes the story drag on a bit. For example, maybe you could split Chapter 1 into two sections--one for the drive to Michigan and one for the family's arrival in Michigan. This would make the story a bit more specific and the audience could understand the chain of events more clearly. 

The characters are developed nicely enough, but I feel that they could have a few more personality traits expressed in the first few chapters. This would allow the readers to fully understand them and put themselves in the characters' positions. I additionally feel that some situations are a bit too dramatic and intense to be realistic. For example, in Chapter 2, the boy who Kirsten runs into immediately says "Watch yourself!" Most people would likely tell the person to watch out and not press further. However, the boy quickly became more aggressive and asked "Are you deaf?" when Kirstin didn't immediately reply, which is something that would rarely happen in real life. Kirstin's long reply to his comment was also uncalled for and quite unrealistic. Her outburst made her seem a bit unlikable and very dramatic to me. 

Kirstin's argument with Victoria was also unexpected and fairly unproductive. If Kirstin was having issues with Victoria and she wanted to correct the rumors, she should have addressed them directly. Attacking Victoria's grammar usage simply just made enemies and the situation escalated much faster than it needed to. The problem could have been solved much more productively. 

Overall, the story was quite entertaining and there was never a dull moment. The plot moved  very smoothly and the story as a whole flowed very nicely!

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