WaltTwitman Presents: Black Magic, Buzzfeed-Style

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Hi there, my name is Mariah, but my username is the ever-corny WaltTwitman. I've been on Wattpad for a while now (since 2016)- but I tend to fly under the radar. You may have read some stuff by me (any #enchiladaheads?), but I wouldn't be surprised if you haven't. Anyway, I'd like to send a big thanks to Kelly for hosting this block party- it's a lot of work. You go, girl!

Without further ado, here's a companion piece to my latest work in progress, Buzzfeed, Boys, Black Magic.

x

Mariah

We tried 4 Glam AF Ways to Gain Supernatural Control Over the Entire Universe (And One Worked).

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE NUMBER 4

By Poppy Clarke

HAI HAI HAI you might not know this, but it's hard to be ~Buzzfeed~. Like there's only so many times we can repost "25 Twitter Jokes by Women You'll Cry-Laugh over If You Have a Vagina (Or Know Someone Who Does)." People start to complain.

WHY IS THERE NO ORIGINAL CONTENT ANYMORE? HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU HAVE TO SAY THE WORD VAGINA? YOU'RE TWENTY-EIGHT, POPPY, WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH ABOUT DISNEY PRINCESSES? THEY'RE NOT REAL, POPPY. MAGIC IS NOT REAL.

Well surprise basics, ~magic~ is totally real. And I have all the receipts. The Buzzfeed Biz Dev team and the Try Guys recently attempted 4 methods to gain incomprehensible power over the pliant masses take over the universe YAY!, and ermagerd fam, one method totally worked. Here's what we learned.

Method One: Sell a Human Voice to a Sea Witch

Method One: Sell a Human Voice to a Sea Witch

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So, seems pretty intuitive. Find a sea witch, offer her a voice, acquire immense supernatural powers in return. Fair exchange of goods and services, right? WRONG. First off, it is like SO HARD to fina legit sea witch. You actually have to go to the ocean for that.

And lol, Eugene hates the sun (he's 100% a sexy vampire) so we literally had to drag his fiiiiiinne ivory ass to Venice Beach. Where the only Sea Witch we could find was an exotic dancer named Jorge. While we were able to sell Jorge Zach's voice (because fuck Zach), all Jorge could offer us in return was the ability to impregnate female porpoises with our eyes.

DOES IT WORK? It's like, real magic, but I mean. Jorge's magic was just not strong enough for our intended ~porpoise~ LOL GET IT.

Side Note: there's totally a bumper crop of baby porpoises at the Los Angeles Zoo this year.

Method Two: Perform a Druid Ritual

Method Two: Perform a Druid Ritual

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