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Prologue

How crazy what love can do to you. It makes you strong and weak at the same time, it makes you believe in undying admiration, makes you imagine things and face reality. All at once. Crazy enough that I can’t find a way to explain this to you, but how dare me try to explain something that’s only meant to be felt.

Love is crazy. I am in love. Therefore, I am crazy. I’m crazy about the thought of us growing old together. I’m crazy about us being together living under one roof, having dinky arguments. Fights like which side of the bed you should take, or whose turn it is to do the laundry. Crazy enough that I find those things cute rather than irritating. I’m crazy about us having our own family.

I’ve never done this with anyone. Funny, I never saw myself writing a letter to anybody. Never. That’s how fucked up I am right now. As I’m writing this to you, I’ve been debating with myself whether to move this pen or not while holding back my tears, intently.

This is a love letter from me to you, I convinced myself.

But reality strikes.

This is my goodbye letter to you.

Goodbye, love…

Please, wake me up! No, don’t wake me up! This is painful. How can a dream be this nasty? Dreams should be peaceful, should be heavenly. Imagination should be heaven-sent, ‘cause I create them. I’m in control, right? But why? It hurts so bad. Dreams and reality.

Please, wake me up… but don’t.

Tell me to stay, I will stay.

Tell me to save you, I’ll save you.

Tell me you need me, I’ll stick with you.

Tell me to hold on, I won’t let go.

Tell me you love me. Please, tell me.

Let me stay.

Let me save you.

Let me stick with you.

Let me hold on.

Let me hear it, just once.

Let me in, stop pushing me away. It hurts, love.

I am crazy. I’m crazy in love with you.

But this is goodbye.

—Camilla S.