Cruel

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As December arrives, I finally don't feel as much pain when I see something Scott and I did or ate together. I don't make everything I see a connection to him like I used to. Now my love for him is kind of like background noise. It's still there, but I try not to focus on it.

It's funny but I forgive him for everything. Of course I'd never let him know that, but my love is still unconditional. That's what makes me seem so desperate. And that's what makes something between Bryan and me feel disconnected.

But he treats me well. I find myself hoping that one day I'll just wake up and be completely devoted to him. That's not how it works. I don't want to use him either, but I'm not using him for anything except filling my loneliness. If anything I'm just wasting his time.

Kirstie doesn't get it. She doesn't understand why my heart just can't seem to attach to someone who obviously loves me. She said it's probably something from my childhood, but nothing I want to dig in to.

I wish I loved him, but I don't. I like him a lot, but it just doesn't feel the same.

Since Kirstie is back at work, we argue about this nearly every day. She tries to get me to stay in the relationship, and I try to brainstorm ways to leave. But at night sometimes I think about breaking up with him and hate myself because I don't really want to lose him. I'm so messed up and it's unfair to him.

I gave it a good try, and there's not much I didn't enjoy, but he's just not Scott. Not Scott is just not good enough for me right now.

Kirstie convinces me to give it more time. It's the holiday season and she thinks it's just too cruel to break up with someone during that. And I like being with him. I wish we could just be friends, and I know he said that was better than nothing, but I don't get the feeling he meant it. Now that he's had me, I don't think he'd ever stop being flirty.

I don't want to hurt him. Maybe I should give it my all one last time and if I still come out feeling like I would rather have no one, then I'll have to cut the cord.

When it's nearing Christmas time, Bryan comes over to make cookies and wrap gifts for his family. I agreed to help with that because he insists that he is the worst present-wrapper in all of history. We put on some soft Christmas carols while we bake. Well really while I bake because Bryan sits on his phone for most of it. After the initial adding of ingredients, only one person is really needed for the mixing and all that, so I volunteered, and he went to play on his phone.

As I bake I sing to the carols that are playing. I've gotten comfortable singing in front of Bryan, maybe Kirstie, but that's about it. I mean, I'm not close to anyone else. I keep seeing Bryan looking up and smiling at me while I do it and it makes me embarrassed so I stop.

“Noooo, keep going. I love your voice.”

I shake my head but start up again after a few minutes. He helps me scoop cookie dough and we eat it off each other's fingers, then we slide the cookie sheet into the oven and go wrap gifts while we wait.

I'm just finishing my lesson on how to wrap them correctly when the timer goes off, so I go check, switch out the pans, and come back. Bryan sets his phone down and pretends like he's been wrapping the whole time. I playfully scoff and sit across from him, spreading my legs out and wrapping his niece’s Elmo toy in the middle. He's trying to wrap a cookbook (seriously the easiest thing) and he keeps looking at what I'm doing and looking back down to attempt to copy it.

After about five minutes he throws his hands up, declares “I give up!”, and crawls over to me to start making out. He pushes the wrapped Elmo away and slowly lowers me to the floor. We're interrupted when the timer goes off.

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