Heeeyy

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Alrighty here's the deal. I'm a bad author. I'm going to just start this off with, I'm a bad author. I told myself that I was going to update this summer! And I didn't. My excuse is...horrible. I've had a mixture of two things. Writers block and self loathing, but whenever I don't hate myself I can't find the energy to write. For about the past 7 months, I've been trying to "fix" myself and get rid of the depression. I thought that all of that had left about 4 months ago. But recently the voices in my head have been chipping away at the wall that I had built between me and it. And at the same time my body has seemed to try and attack me, and the voices chipping at the wall have been given pick axes and shovels. I've been super stressed about school, as I don't have any classes with the person I seem to need the most right now. And I find it so hard to tell them, that at this point it's easier for me to type it all here, publish it, and let them read this. They can respond however they want, or not at all. I'd understand either way. Anyhooo, I've been trying so hard to separate myself from the dark parts. I've been trying to get others to not be as self deprecating, and telling myself that it helps them but now I'm not sure if it's just me trying to get away from anything that could bring me down again. I've been trying to focus so hard on the bright and happy side of myself. And now, I kid you not, my eye spasms when I look at anything bright. My body, and not just my brain, seems to be fighting against me. As I'm typing this, I'm realizing that the world seems to be against me. I've been through a lot this summer, and it's really tested me and my patience. But as I type that, I realize that I can't let those things bother me. I need to fight through the voices telling me that the world is against me, because it's not. My brain is just giving me thoughts and trying to get me to cave and give up. But I'm not going to let myself do that to myself. I'm going to have a fun day, and focus on the positive. I'm going to build the wall higher up, and make it up of positive words that make me feel better about my self. Maybe add a bit of sarcasm. Sarcasm seems to fight off the bad thoughts at the time. I'm going to go write a chapter! Thanks for letting me use this space to vent! I'm good now. Wow. That was a journey of getting better in 480 words!

Peace out friends =)

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