Chapter Thirteen

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The green grass was damp from the sprinklers that morning, but that didn't bother me at all. I still kneeled down, getting my jeans wet.

I put my flowers down in front of Harrison's grave and sighed.

I hadn't been to his grave since the funeral and I deeply regretted that fact.

But it had just been too painful to come. Then, when I slowly started moving on. I was too guilty about finding someone else that I couldn't bare to come talk to Harrison.

I fiddled with tulips at the base of the gravestone and made sure they were just how I wanted them.

Harrison got me tulips every year on my birthday and our anniversary. And although he wasn't a guy that was big on flowers, I knew that he would appreciate them. He would understand my meaning behind them. They were flowers that reminded me of him.

Jon was standing a few yards away, giving me time alone with Harrison before he came and talked to him as well.

"Hi," I started. I could feel tears welling in my eyes but I tried to hold them back. "So it's been a year. I'm sorry that I didn't come sooner. You probably hate me for that. I would be in big trouble if you were here." I smiled a little at that thought.

I might always feel bad that it had taken me a year to come visit Harrison's grave for the first time, but Jon said it wasn't too late to start going regularly. I knew that was true and I planned on coming a lot more.

"I miss you," I told him. "I'll always miss you. But...I'm doing well. I think you'd be happy with how well I've been doing. I've been living with Jon for awhile now. I'm getting ready to reopen the bookstore. I thought that would make you happy."

I ran my fingers over Harrison's name engraved in the stone. And the words under it...Beloved Friend and Boyfriend.

I knew many people didn't put 'boyfriend' on gravestones. It was usually 'husband'. But he hadn't been my husband. He was my boyfriend. And I had been okay with that.

I played with the ring that was around my neck.

"I wish you had gotten to propose to me," I told him as more tears began to gather. "I wish we'd had that beautiful wedding you mentioned in your letter. I may always be sad I never got to see you down on one knee, with a ring in your hands...or the fact that I will never get to hear you say our vows. Would we have gone with the traditional ones? Or written our own?"

Tears fell down my face, trailing from my cheeks and falling down onto my neck and shirt.

"But I suppose I can just tell you now how much I love you. How much I'll always love you. Even though I'm with Jon and plan on spending the rest of my life with him, he can never replace you. No one could ever replace you. I love Jon, but I love you too. I'll never stop loving you. You were one of the best things that ever happened to me, but you know that, don't you?"

I smiled and placed my hands on my knees.

"I think you would be okay with it if I didn't open the bookstore back up...if it caused me too much pain, you would be okay with me letting it go. But ever since I started working to open it again, I haven't felt closer to you since the day you died. And I think this is going to be good for me. It's making me more independent. I'll have my own money and won't have to rely on Jon so much anymore...even though I know he'll take care of me no matter what...just like you did."

I could feel Jon's presence not that far away from me, but I had just a few more things to say.

"You'll always be with me, Harrison. I don't plan on taking this ring off. Because you mean as much to me as Jon does. I may be with him now, but you'll always have a place in my heart. I love you...I love you...And I know you still love me too."

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