Chapter 37 - i'm scared

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POV Grayson


When we finished filming, Emma decided to go back to her apartment with Bryant and asked me if Ethan, Mao and I wanted to come for diner.

That wasn't a bad idea, and I actually did wanted that a lot, but I haven't spent much time alone with Mao lately and I kind of miss her a lot.

So after her and Bryant left the house, I went outside to see where Mao and Ethan were.

I saw them cuddling on the trampoline, Mao was talking, her head laying on Ethan stomach and Ethan listening to her, his eyes lost in the sky, his arms behind his head.

They looked peaceful.

"Hey guys." I said.
They turned their head towards me.
"Hey Gray, what's up ?" Ethan asked.

I looked down, staring rethinking what I was about to ask.
That's kind of selfish isn't it ? Taking Mao away from Ethan when they just found each other.

I signed.

"Can I borrow you Mao for tonight ?" I asked him, talking very quickly.

Ethan seemed confused.

"Emma invited us to go to her place for diner tonight, but I wanted to spend time alone with Mao, if that's okay..." I explained.

Ethan eyes softened.

"Well, I hope Emma ordered pineapple pizza or I'm suing her !" He said getting out of the trampoline, after taking care that Mao no long had her head on him, having already decided to go to Emma's and let Mao and I alone.

"Call her before she orders an anchovies one for you." Mao told to him.
Ethan eyes widened, quickly taking is phone out of his pocket.
"Alright, I'll let you guys. Bye !" He said, walking to the door, ready to go.
"See you latter, bro." I said.

E closed the door behind him and a few seconds passed before I decided to finally talk to Mao.

But before I could say anything the door reopened and Ethan's head popped out through the curtains.
"Hey Mao, are you staying there tonight ?" He asked quickly, I could tell he was nervous.

She smiled at him.

"Only if you promise I'll not wake up with you breathing right in front of my face like the other day. I almost died." She replied and I laughed.
"Hey ! My morning breath smells fantastic!" He said, his hand on his heart.
"Hmm, that's not exactly how I would qualify it..." Mao said.

Ethan laughed.

"Alright, I promise."
"Then okay, I'll stay there tonight."

Ethan nodded.

"Good." He said before closing the door one last time.


Mao and I were on her father's boat. We bought Chinese food on the way and we were currently eating in silence, watching the calm ocean.

We didn't talked much since we left the house.

I drove with no music on to the harbor, while she had her head against the window, lost in her mind.

It was calm.


I looked at her and I saw that she had bags under her eyes. She was tired.

"How do you feel ?" I asked her, already knowing the answer.
She looked at me and smiled.

"I'm alright." She replied.

For a few seconds she said nothing and turned her head to looked at the ocean once again.

"I'm going to die." She finally let out, out of nowhere.

I turned my faced towards her and she was still staring at the water in front of us.

"I'm going to die and I'm scared." She continued.

"I'm so scared and sometimes i can't handle the feeling, and that scares me even more..."

I said nothing, knowing she hadn't finished.
She had a lot on her heart and she needed to let it out. So I kept silent, giving her the time she needed.


"I was perfectly okay with dying, you know... I had absolutely nothing to lose... All my life I prepared myself for that moment and at the end I was basically just waiting for it to happen. But now that I met you, Emma, Bryant, James and Ethan... I'm not ready..."

I saw a tear run down her cheek.

"I'm sorry I spent so much time with Ethan and kind of let you down."
She wiped the few more tears that had run down her cheek.

"He just makes me so happy and I needed to feel happy again. Because ending my treatment was not that simple. I basically sign my own death. And that's hard. That's so hard but I needed to do it."

I took her hand in mine.

"And now that my time is running out, I realize that there is so much things left for me to do..."
She sobbed and squeezed my hand in hers.


"I wrote a list. A list of all the things I want to accomplish before I die." She finally said after a long silence.

"I'll be there." I said, calmly.
"I'll help you accomplish those things you wrote, whatever they are. And I'm sure Ethan will too. The others as well." I said referring to Emma, James and Bryant.

"Thank you Gray." Mao whispered, putting her head on my shoulder.

"Thank you, so, so much."

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