forty six

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Sophie returned home that evening thinking of her afternoon with Orem Vacker. It had gone way better than she could have ever dreamed and she couldn't wait to tell Fitz all about it that night.

Unfortunately Fitz transmitted during dinner that he had a huge project due on Monday and would be swamped the whole weekend and he was sorry they couldn't talk more. Sophie let him know that she understood and would wait to hear from him when he had time.

Something that Orem Vacker said kept running through her head and she couldn't let it go. He had hinted about how he didn't want to lose his friend and was afraid to trust his feelings. Fitz had been the one to open up and share his feelings first when he missed her and she had politely agreed but she had never started with how she really felt about him. She knew deep down how much she liked Fitz and had always liked him, but would she be brave enough to let him know?

It didn't feel right to transmit it to him and she wasn't sure she wanted to wait until the midterm break in 6 weeks to tell him in person. She sat in her room fiddling with her notes from her weeks assignments before remembering the letters that Brant had written Jolie while she was in the towers without him. They had been very sappy but it was insightful to go back and re-read it. She wasn't sure if Fitz would appreciate getting a written declaration of her feelings but maybe just taking the time to write it out would help her figure them out for herself.

She sat down and remembered that back in San Diego one of her English teachers had them to a free write where they didn't think about it and just wrote what the felt. She figured that this was an appropriate way to get it all out and started to write.

Dear Fitz,

When I was growing up in San Diego and wished that I would find someone who could do what I do I never even imagined someone as amazing as you are. I knew from the first moment I saw you that you were the cutest boy I had ever seen and when you actually spoke to me I turned to mush, and then when I learned you could hear thoughts like me, I felt like my whole world had shifted. My heart fluttered, my pulse raced and I couldn't help but be drawn to you. You were so protective over me and made sure I was ok when I was scared but I trusted you. I tried to hide how I felt at school and it nearly broke my heart when it seemed like you had forgotten me. We we had the splotching match and ended up in the healing center I was so worried you would hate me. After my reaction to limbium and I threw up on you I was mortified. I was devastated before I was kidnapped but thinking of you was the only thing that got me through it. When I had given up you came and held me, you saved me.

Then you could transmit to me and we shared our telepathy session together. It was like we had this own little world with one another and I was so happy to share it with you even though it physically hurt I didn't want to give it up or tell you to stop. When everything happened with your dad and you hated me, I wanted more than anything to fix it all and make it better for you. I wanted nothing more than for you to not hate me and my heart was so happy when you took me outside to talk.

When we were preparing for the healing and you wanted to help so quickly I was worried you were just trying to make it up to me but when we realized the trust between us and our connection. I couldn't help myself but like you even more, and your 3 secrets made me see your sensitive side, your vulnerability and how sentimental and proud you are. I knew it was going to be scary but just knowing you were by my side I felt safe. I knew if anything happened you would protect me. And you did, you remembered my hands during our star bottling trip and you wanted to help me and support me. I felt so wrong being safe in such a beautiful place given but at the same time it felt so right being there with you. Our trust grew that night and as much as I want to forget what happened I go back and relive the moments with you.

After that the it just felt like I was messing life up for you over and over again but you still came to see me, you brought Mr. Snuggles to meet me and wanted to get back the connection we had felt. I was so stupid but you stuck my me and still wanted to support me. Your loyalty meant everything to me and when I found out what was really happening at Mt. Everest I knew I couldn't let anything happen to you. I was shocked when Mr. Forkle taught you how to slip past my blocking but secretly was so excited because it connected us again. We could transmit again and share our private world together.

When we left to join the blackswan I was ready to go it alone but you wouldn't let me, you stuck by me again and watched out for me and made sure that I was ok. When the blackswan wanted us to train to be cognates I wanted it so bad because I could see you wanted it and I didn't want you to think we weren't great together. Showing you how to transmit to Silveny was so fun because you got so excited and I was glad to get to share part of my world with you.

After you were hurt I was so scared that I had lost you. I was ready to tell you everything I felt after that but couldn't. I didn't want to face the disappointment if you didn't feel the same way. So I continued to stay close to you any way I could. When we were at exilium you were the only one to try and help me with the arch and continued to help me with anything you could. This was not an easy time for you but you continued to support me and help me and I was so happy to be near you. When we would cognate train and share secrets I felt like I was special and you were letting me in and I loved getting to know all the sides of you Fitz.

When we came back after Ravagog I knew things between us had changed. We had just done the impossible together and you had been betrayed by your brother and your best friend and I wanted to take the pain away from you so much but I couldn't. I wanted to do something special for you but you gave me the best gift with our cognate rings. I was so giddy and excited to wear them and let everyone know that we were something to each other. You were so strong and brave during the following weeks. You took me to relive horrible memories but I knew with you I could do it. You helped me be stronger and braver than I could imagine.

You had many times you could have walked away but you stood by me and wanted to help. I want to be that support for you. You are my Captain Cognate and I look to you to let me help and support you. I would hold your hand all time if  meant we get to be together. You give me so much strength and when I had to be away from you it tore me up inside.

When you would try and get me to tell you my secret I wanted to so many times but I was scared you didn't feel the same way and how devastated I would be but how after sitting under the panakes tree I wanted to skip the talking so bad because it felt like words wouldn't matter anymore but I needed you to know how much you meant to me.

As my old life and this wonderful new life I have were intertwined in the most horrific way, you stayed by my side to help me. You made sure I didn't do anything reckless. You wanted to be there for me for everything and it meant everything to me. Your gifts were always perfectly thought out to make things better for me. When things got bad you have always been the one I needed to talk to.

I remember the hug you gave me before nightfall and it felt different from other ones before that. I remember the feeling when you sent me energy from your emotional core, it was different and so needed. Even when your world was crumbling you looked out for my needs. You made sure I was ok when I was not myself and did everything you could to make things better.

You are right. We have always been stronger together, we trust each other and I know that I need you in my life more than anyone else. I worry that you will realize that I am not worth your continued support and effort and that your life would be easier without me.

I need you so much, I need your strength, I need your touch, I need your support, I need you to balance me, I need you to always be mine because I would be lost without you.

Love,

Sophie

Seeing it all written out and seeing herself so vulnerable and honest she immediately knew there was no way Fitz could see this letter anytime soon, she had told him she liked him but this was way too much information to process. Sophie tucked it into her satchel, knowing she needed to find somewhere safe to keep it.

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