House-sitting is stupid. Okay, maybe it's not stupid for some people. But in the case of Alex Gaskarth, it is the stupidest thing ever. Why? Cos the purpose of house-sitting is to pick up mail, feed and water pets, and take care of plants.

Alex has a P.O box, leaves his dogs with his mom most of the time, and his singular cactus plant is always dead way before he even leaves. I've taken to replacing it everytime he goes away, and telling him I nursed the old one back to health. He still hasn't figured it out yet. He probably never will.

So really, the only duty I have as Alex's housesitter is make sure no one breaks into the place, and replace the damn cactus. It's not actually that much work, especially considering I have to walk all of two hundred feet to his house across the street. In return, I get a shot glass or some other weird souvenir from wherever he and his band toured. Did you know that in Las Vegas, you can get personalized condoms made? I didn't either, until Alex brought them back and gave them to me for my birthday. In front of my boyfriend. And then he told him not to use them all at once because "Those things are fucking expensive. Use them on special occasions. Like Christmas or the Apocalypse or some shit."

My best friend, folks. What a charmer. Stick around, he'll be at the merch table for autographs and blow jobs later.

This particular time he left me house-sitting was about the sixth time in two years. The day he came home, the first thing he did was look up at the sky and yell "Kapri-Sun, get your midget ass off my house!"

I laughed from my spot perched on top of his roof. This was a tradition. "Alexander William, get your ugly ass up here so I can stop sitting on your house!"

He ran inside with house, and jus a few moments later, he climbed out a window and gracelessly managed to yank himself onto the roof about five yards to my left.

He crawled over to me, completely out of breath, and flopped down with his head in my lap.

"You okay?" I laughed.

Instead of responding, he reached up and lightly slapped me on the cheek.

"What the hell was that for? And put your tongue back in your mouth, you look like a dog."

Alex laughed. "You promised... never... to... use... my full name."

"And you promised never to use mine."

"But your name sucks less than mine."

"Yes. Having your older brother name you after his favorite type of juice is less embarrassing than having a name like Alexander W-" Alex raised his hand again.

"Say my full name and I'll push you off this fuckin roof, just like I did to Santa Claus."

"What the-" I giggled. "Do I want to know?"

He smiled back. "Sure. That fat fuck didn't give me the PS3 I asked for."

"You sir, are a douchebag. You've basically ruined Christmas for all the children in all the lands."

"Meh. The Italians still have their creepy old witch lady. She can expand distribution to cover everyone else."

I arch an eyebrow and give Alex a puzzled look. It's not unusual, though - Alex can be a pretty confusing guy. "Their what?!"

"The creepy old witch lady... La Bethany or whatever."

"Are you talking about La BEFANA?"

"Yeah, her. But Bethany makes her sound hotter. She should change it. And maybe get a new look, too. Something to make the guys happy."

"Jackass."

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