Chapter 1: Divorce Forms

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  E V A N N A

I was on my bed, covering my ears, with small teardrops falling down my face. The lights were off, and my door was locked, but I could hear every single word they were saying. It echoed through my ears and no matter what, it wouldn't stop.

"What do you mean? You said you were going on a business trip!" My mom shouted.

"I did! I don't see the problem!" My dad argued, fueling my mom's anger.

"You lied to me! You lied to me every single day!" My mom screamed, her voice rising. "You're cheating on me! You're also drinking and—"

"You're overreacting! I stopped my drinking problem! Besides, it was only for a week!"

"And for a week, you did nothing but sit around lazily!"

"That's not true!"

"The business trip you were talking about was actually a vacation for you! Seeing other women and flirting!"

"I would never! But if I did, what would be the problem?"

"We're married!" My mom screeched. "We have a daughter!"

"Oh so what?"

"What about Evanna? What about me? Are you just going to leave?"

"If that's what you want, then I'll go!" I heard my dad shout.

"Fine!" My mom's scream filled the whole house, her voice filled with so much pain.

I silently cried into my hands. Dad wasn't going away for long, right? He's just probably going for a few days... I have nothing to worry about, I told myself.

I tried to sleep, ignoring the thoughts that crossed my mind. It's not true. They would never divorce, right?

Right?

my brothers
- e v a n n a -

I couldn't sleep that night. It was 6 AM, and I started getting ready for school, because I had nothing else to do. After I got ready, I went downstairs to find my dad sleeping on the couch.

I went to the kitchen island and found a big envelope. My eyes widened as I read the top of the paper.

Divorce Forms

I grabbed it in my shaking hands and looked inside. It was all filled out. How did they manage to do this in one night?

And then it dawned on me.

They had it this whole time. It wasn't new.

I dropped the papers onto the island, my eyes starting to water.

Don't cry, I told myself. It's nothing.

I wanted to go outside for fresh air. It was too much for me to handle. If they... divorced... who would I be with? Who would take custody of me? Why is this even happening?

I reached school, and I came one hour early. I opened my locker, and started unpacking. Taking out my binder, I shut the locker and sighed.

Please, you have to stop overreacting. It's just a divorce. There's so many people with worse problems than you. 

I closed my eyes tightly, ignoring the voices in my head.

You know why they're divorcing? Because of you. You are just a problem.

I knew it was me telling this to myself, but not exactly me. It was the voices I tried to keep in the back of my mind, but it's coming back.

Stop whining. Stop crying. This is why no one likes you.

That's not true, I thought.

But it is.

My heart clenched as I thought back on my own words. Don't believe them, I would think. 

I knew exactly what was starting to happen, and I hated it. Because I thought I was getting better.

After half an hour, school was close to starting.

First period. Great. I walked into History, the class I don't like, but somehow it's the class I'm the best at. 

As the history teacher was going on with his lesson, my head started hurting.

Why bother paying attention? You'll fail class anyways. You don't have a future.

I'm not going to fail. I do have a future.

No, you don't.

I wanted to scream. I hated this. But it was getting to my head. And then suddenly, a different feeling surged through me.

I slowly felt like I was suffocating. I felt like I was drowning, but everyone could breathe except me. My heart started racing and I could feel my hand trembling. I was hyperventilating. Worry was the only thing I could think of.

I ran outside the classroom, and into the girls bathroom. I couldn't think. I couldn't remember what my therapist told me to do if I started having panic attacks. Everything seemed to blur.

I wanted to cry. I really thought I was getting better, but I guess it will always keep coming back.

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