The Only Reason [DISCONTINUED]

Chapter 13 Exams

                                       As the exams were getting near, I got more engrossed in my studies, trying to learn and remember every possible thing, but thanks to the Lords, I had such an amazing memory- like a strainer. I tried my best learning as much as I could, and even was successful with Biology, English of course- that was my favorite and strongest part- and Computers. But Physics and Chemistry as always ate me. Don't know how long I'd been trying to get this thing through, but I surely knew I wasn't going to anytime soon. 

                                       I felt the sudden burst of anger and disappointment inside. And I knew what I was going to do next. And my last session's marks were disappearing anyways, so I needed to do this. I took out my blade from the drawer; I remembered it's address this time. The cold metal sliced through my skin, making blood ooze out. I cut another line next to the previous one, when the thought hit me: What would the lads say and feel if they find me doing this? How will they react? Will they still love me? That was enough to trigger the train of thoughts in my mind. And while my mind worked on it, my body reacted to the questions very intelligently; at least that's what people would say. It led me to the bathroom, washing the blade (that was kind of a ritual I followed everytime after cutting) and keeping it back on place, then making me sit so I can concentrate on the debate taking place in my mind. This was something I'd never thought of before, it never came to me. After a long discussion between mind and heart, I had the answer.

                                       I decided to give up self-harming.

                                       And to make sure I don't back out, I had a brilliant idea- arguably the best idea to stop us Directioners from cutting. I walked up to one of their pictures on my cupboard door and promised them to not cut again. Yes, that's the idea. This made me feel much more better. I tiptoed down the stairs and quickly got some medicinal cream to apply on my cuts. After all the drama I'd created for myself, I took a deep breathe to calm myself down (try it, it always helps), and sat down to study. I did as much as I could, putting no pressure on myself, because I knew, if I did so, I'd be pissing myself off again, going back to square one.

                                      And so, the exams showed up. Giving us students nightmares and death threats. All that I could do was study and pray, and so I did. On the exam days, life seemed like a curse. But somehow, I felt this amazing strength and positive vibes, telling me that I could do it. Definitely coming from my recent smart decision, and partly from my sunshines too. This boosted my confidence. I'd walk in everyday and quietly sit on my seat, studying my notes, I thought to myself. But as soon as I walked in on the first exam, I was done. The whole class, plus the other section, were screaming so loud that not even someone doing meditation for years would be able to take this. Trying to avoid all this, I made my way through the crowd and sat on my place. I knew now that there wasn't any escape, there was no stopping them- it was going to happen everyday.

                                       Soon- very soon the bell rang and the teacher entered the room, making all the student hearts present in the room beat faster. Then he handed us the question paper. Finally, it was here. There was no other way- PANIC! I wanted to run away. But of course I didn't; I picked up my pen and started attempting whichever question I felt I knew. It wasn't that hard as it was Biology. Rest of the exams went similar, English being the best and easiest, and Physics & Chemistry being the jerks. Everyday mom would ask me after my return, "How was the exam?" "Good", I'd reply, knowing how good it was.

                                       Being exam-free and rid of the pressure is one of the best feelings ever. Dad decided to take us on a trip to some of the famous touring places nearby. Seemed to be an awesome plan, specially when you're just finished with your exams and don't want to know your result. I seriously did not wanted to go back to that horrifying place, where people would laugh at me because of my marks in exams, my appearance, my introvert nature. The mere thought of it brought tears in my eyes.