Have you ever been so sad you can't even cry. you don't know how to feel. Day by day, night by night, I'm struggling to continue without him. It's been like a battle, one I'm on the brink of losing. I wish so badly I could hug him one more time, and kiss him one more time, and tell him, I love him, one last time...
ive lost the most important people in my life.
My mom
My unborn baby girl
And last, but never ever least
The only man that ever loved me, who looked past every imperfection and only allowed himself to see the real me. I will never forget the day I saw him at that diner, his beautiful eyes that made me melt, his smile that lit up a thousand fires in my heart, I will never forget anything about the boy that loved me.
December 12
A cold breeze brushes against my body, and I feel Noah squeeze my hand, I look down at the child that mirrors Grayson, his copper brown eyes and soft brown hair the popped out from behind his small ears, looking at him was like seeing a young Grayson.
"What are we doing here?" Noah asks tilting his head a little
"Remembering" I smile, brushing the hair away from his face
"Who?" he asks
"someone wonderful" I smile to myself and look down at the stone, on it read words that hurt so damn much to read
*here lies Grayson Dolan, his life was a blessing and his memory a treasure*
I place the letter filled with all the word I never got to say to him, on the ground in front of the polished stone. every word I wrote on the paper felt like a piece of my heart breaking, my body felt numb and achy while writing it. But I had to write it, for my own mental sake.
I picked up Noah and hugged him tightly, he was the last part of Grayson I still had.
when I released him from the hug, he looked over my face, tears slowly falling down my cheeks
"don't cry mommy, big people don't cry, only little boys" he softly says wiping the tears off my cheek
"I love you" I smile
-
dear Grayson,
Went to bed last night. Heard you coughing as I was showering, but of course, it wasn't you. Because you left us two weeks ago. Two weeks today. It was Noah coughing. He's been sleeping in our bed now. he keeps asking where you are and why you haven't been showing up to his soccer games. he started carrying around a little bear you gave him. I'm glad he doesn't understand, he doesn't need to feel this type of pain.
People keep asking me how I'm doing. I tell them I'm fine. I'm really not. when they asked about you, that's when it hurts, because then I feel like I'm being dragged through the memories once again.
Ethan's a bit of a mess. Mood swings, and isolating himself from everyone, he's taking it pretty hard. he told me he wished you could just sit with him one more time and pat his back telling him "it's all going to be okay". you were always great at making people feel better. its funny for the first week I couldn't even look at Ethan without crying, I use to forget you two were even twins. now it's all I think of when I see him. it doesn't hurt as bad anymore.
your mom misses you too, she's been spending every day over at our house, playing with Noah. i think he's her coping tool.
it's the little things that hurt, like when I wake up and can't feel your presence. when I set the table and leave your spot empty. when your car sits in the driveway, unused. when I get ready for bed, alone. when its Friday night and I have Noah laying next to me on the couch, and not you. when I make dinner and can't hear you and Noah playing cars, or watching a movie. when Noahs asleep and you wrap your arms around me and rest your head on my shoulder, telling me you love me. the little moments we shared together hurt more than any major memory ever will.
I will never forget that day at the diner when I first saw you look my way, cheeky gray. you welcomed me into this town just by offering me hot chocolate with cinnamon. when you found me and Sigrid in the rain, I remember thinking I never wanted to give back your jacket. or our crazy prom night. or when you kissed me for the first time. or our wedding day when I think I fell even deeper in love with you. last but never least, when I told you about Noah. these memories are burned in my head and I will never forget them, or you.
Another 60 years together would have been nice. Or 60 days.
Love,
Your wife, Sydney.
