Individuality

45 3 13

Author: Milejdyvan

Genre: Mystery

Curse Words


The cover is attention-grasping and it fits the mood and purpose of your story. I love the color scheme and the way that it encompasses the plot. The title also fits the story very nicely, and the meaning of the title is clearly explained in your blurb, which gives your audience an idea of what is to come in the story. 

Gramatical/spelling/formatting errors:
Chapter 1: You wrote "I should probably ask her out, he thinks to himself." In order to more clearly describe direct thoughts, perhaps you could put the first section in italics to make it obvious to the reader that the character is thinking. 
Chapter 1.2: "He was determined that that his family is wrong about him having anger issues and he needs to prove it." The word "determined" in this sentence doesn't work too well in its current position. It would make more sense if the sentence were reworded, perhaps like "He is sure that his family is wrong about him having anger issues, and he is determined to prove it." Or, you could use determined in the same way that it is now, but change the words around it, such as "He has determined that his family..." Additionally, I noticed that there is a mix of different tenses in this sentence. "Was" is past tense, and the rest of the story is in present tense. Be sure to correct this and match it with the story as a whole.

Otherwise, I didn't notice any mistakes that stood out!

The pace of the story is consistent throughout, and it never becomes particularly dull, but it isn't extremely exciting either. The flow is very continuous and it contains a long string of events and characters. 

I enjoy how the story is written from third-person omniscient point-of view, and it allows the audience to see deeper behind each of the characters. It is interesting to read how each of the characters come together and what is happening to them personally. 

I am a bit confused by the timeline, however. When Mathiaz took Naomi for a drink, did they leave the school? Does the story take place after school ended or during school hours? If it is after school, why is everybody sitting in the classrooms rather than making their way home? The setting as a whole could use some clarification. 

The characters are each clearly visually described and the audience can distinguish them apart, but I was a bit confused by how many characters were immediately brought in during the first chapter. The reader can keep up with the characters in the hallway in the beginning, but it becomes more difficult to understand the characters and the setting afterwards. 
For example, in Chapter 1, you wrote "The girl is obviously oblivious to the negative aura around most of her classmates. (Next paragraph) Naomi doesn't say a single word as the door of the classroom slams open abruptly and a rowdy figure leaves the class with a grin on his face." This section is a bit confusing. For one, the audience has no idea who Naomi is, where she came from, and how she experienced the person suddenly leaving the class. If Naomi is the only girl in the group who was standing in the hallway, then you should clarify her name, as the audience is unable to make that connection. 
Additionally, it is unclear how the almost-fight with Mathiaz really began. Where was the section in the story taking place? Was it in the hallway like the beginning of the story? Was the scene moved to inside a classroom? The start to the section about him in the story was rather abrupt and it didn't offer any details on the setting, so the audience doesn't have any idea where the section is taking place or who the newly introduced characters are. 
However, later in the chapter, the characters do all come together, and the audience begins to understand their relationship and who they are. It is primarily just the section about the fight that I found to be quite confusing. 

The story as a whole becomes more and more interesting as I continued to read. I noticed some holes in the setting, which should be cleared up, but it was quite entertaining otherwise!


*Analysis is based on the first 5 chapters

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