Discovering Love // phan

Ten

  Dan and Phil weren't exactly 'going out', but they were definately more than friends. Dan knew that Phil wanted to publicize their relationship, but he didn't know if he was totally ready for that yet.

  They didn't usually hang out in public, at least not the way they wanted to. They waited until they were alone for that. But when they were out, they usually just acted platonic. And Dan knew that it slightly irritated Phil, but he couldn't help it. He was nervous about what people would say, not about the fact that they were gay, but about what they might say about their relationship. It wasn't often that Dan even had a boyfriend or girlfriend, let alone one that lasted for more than a month. He didn't want Phil to think that he was just some toy, that Dan would dump after getting what he wanted, because unlikely enough, Dan badly wanted this to work out, and he didn't ever want to leave Phil.

  These kinds of thoughts always plagued him, when he was by himself, especially at night. He as always in doubt  that something would go wrong betwen them, no matter how hard he tried to prevent it. It was stressful, to say the least, and Dan was constantly tired from staying up all night worying.

  Phil occasionally questioned the dark marks under his eyes, but Dan just brushed him off, saying that it was school and family business. And Phil believed him, as far as Dan could tell.

  Being in this kind of relationship was hard. Dan couldn't help but compare him and Phil to Romeo and Juliet, because it felt like they were sneaking around with each other, and no one was allowed to know.  Which wasn't the case, really. Dan knew that Phil's mum knew about them. He hadn't told his own parents about it but it wasn't as if he ever had a chance to. They probably didn't even know he dated guys in the first place.

  It had been maybe a week since they had started this whole thing. The project they had for English (not to mention the project that had started this whole thing) was fast approaching, and with all the drama that had been going on.....well, Dan and Phil were definately behind the rest of the class. And even now, they could barely keep their hands off each other to get any work done. They had to do their presentation, in front of the whole class, next week.

  "How could you possibly not think that what they did for each other was justified?" Phil exclaimed. They were in Dan's room, going over their notes and coming up with thoughts to put into their presentation. "I mean, they loved each other so much, they died for each other. And they went against their families and their beliefs, just to be with each other."

  "You honestly don't see how stupid that was?" Dan replied. "I mean, if Romeo had waited literally, half a fucking minute, he would have seen that Juliet wasn't dead. And even then, it wouldn't be as if they could just stroll around, hand in hand. Their families would not like that, at all."

  "Well, they obviously didn't care what their parents thought. Or anyone else, for that matter."

  "They would have cared once someone found out, and they were either killed, or forced apart."

  "I honestly think that coming out, for them, would have been the best idea." Phil said quietly, looking down at his hands as he picked at Dan's blanket. Dan had a feeling they weren't talking about Romeo and Juliet anymore.

  "Maybe they were just scared." Dan said, and Phil scoffed.

  "Or maybe only one of them was."

  It was silent for a moment, both of them not looking at each other. There was all kinds of tension surounding them, and Dan wanted nothing more than for it to just go away.

  "I'm sorry." Dan said softly, bringing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them.

  Phil sighed. "It's not your fault, I started-"

  But Dan cut him off. "Not for that. I'm sorry that I'm being so difficult. I know you don't like this thing between us being a secret, and I know I'm a stubborn ass for making you go through all this. But I'm just not ready. And I don't care how selfish it makes me, but I'm not letting you go either. Just...I need a bit more time."

  "Yeah, but how much time?" Phil asked, and Dan didn't reply.

  Dan could clearly see the pain and stress he was putting Phil through, could see it so obviously in those blue eyes. It tore him up, knowing it was his fault, and knowing there was no way to fix it. At least, not any way he could bear. He just knew that, if he did let everyone know that him and Phil were a thing, it would only bring Phil more pain and much more stress. And Dan would rather him go through this, than ever have to face that.

  "I just get so worried, you know?" Phil said suddenly, and Dan snapped out of his own thoughts to look at him. "I get worried that....I don't mean as much to you, as you do to me."

  "That's not true." Dan said defensively, and Phil only smiled weakly.

  "But you can't prove to me otherwise." He said. "Every time I touch you, when we're in public, you just kinda move away. I can barely look at you without you getting all paranoid that somone will find out. And you never...." He trailed off, staring at the wall. "Whenever I tell you I love you....you never say it back. And it kind of hurts. I feel like you don't even care about me sometimes."

  "You know I care about you, Phil."

  "But I don't!" Phil said loudly. He stared at Dan, with the weirdest look in his eyes. Anger and sadness, all rolled into one. "I don't know that." He said, more quietly. "You know, when I first saw you, the very first day we ever met, you had to be the most interesting looking person in the whole room, probably the whole school. You just looked as if you didn't give a care in the world, about what anyone thought of you or what anyone said about you. And that's what made me want to know you. I wanted to get under that pretty skin of yours, and see what was inside. And believe it or not, under all that candid, tough-guy armor you put up, there's just an innocent boy. Who probably has no idea what he wants in his life. But he constantly puts up walls, blocking everyone and everything out. He claims he doesn't believe in love, and it might because he's scared to." Phil paused, breathing shakily. "Is that it? Are you scared, Dan? Are you scared, that you might actually have feelings for me? Are you just scared to admit it?"

  "Fuck you, Phil." Dan whispered, and he felt tears sliding down his face. He hadn't even realized he was crying, but even then, he couldn't stop it. "You don't know anything about me, or my life. So don't think that you do. You have no idea how I feel, so don't try and sympathize with me or pity me. I don't need your pity." His throat had closed up, so he just shook his head, looking down as he wiped at his face.

  "I don't pity you, Dan." Phil said. "I just don't understand you."

  They didn't say anything to each other for the rest of the time. Dan continued to cry, as silently as possible, and Phil moved so that he could pull Dan into his arms. And they stayed like that.

                                            ************************************************************

  a/n: Sorry if it's a bit short. Man, I've been updating quickly, haven't I?

Important note: If any of you guys read my other fan fiction 'In Between', I don't think I'm going to be continuing with it any longer. I know,a lot of people really like it, but I just...I guess I'm not feeling it anymore, I don't know. Sorry, if that's a disappointment.

Othe than that, hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, and I'll see you later. Peace :3