End and Beginning - Praimfaya

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The moment she saw the height of the tower, Clarke knew that her fate was sealed. The nightblood solution wouldn't hold against the death wave that she knew was coming in a matter of minutes, minutes in which she had to climb up the tower, do what needed to be done according to Raven's instructions, climb down, get back to the lab and join the others in time for the rocket to launch.

But there was no way she could do all of that and get back in the 10 minutes Raven gave her to do it and she knew that if they waited for her for too long, her friends would die as well, so all she hoped for was that she could at least help them by getting this done in time for them to get into space and into what is left of the Ark and that her talk with Bellamy, about using his head more often, would help him now to make the hard choice of leaving without her since it was for the best. It had to be done.

She looked up and took a deep breath before she recited the grounder's passing phrase as she remembered when she heard those words coming from the lips of the love of her life. Yes, that is right, Clarke thinks as she starts the climb. Despite whatever she had with Niylah which was nothing more than a physical companionship and what was the beginning of a friendship, it was obvious to her who was the sole owner of her heart.

And it was the Commander of the 13 clans, the last true Commander as Roan had referred to her during his speech after they brokered a truce so she could find a way to save them from Praimfaya. Lexa was a part of her, the other half of her soul and much like all the losses she experienced on earth, they barely had time to be together, to explore their feelings and each other and she had even less time to grieve her love's death with an apocalypse coming their way and having to save humanity once again.

However, now as she reaches the middle of the tower, she lets herself cry silent tears for the pain of losing someone that changed her life and changed her in so many different and beautiful ways. She lets herself feel everything she has been running from ever since that fateful afternoon where a beautiful memory ended up followed by a terrible and endless nightmare. That is one of the worst parts for Clarke, given that not a couple of minutes before she lost Lexa, she finally found herself ready to let the brunette into her heart and mind again, not that she ever left really, along with a promise of someday that turned into never.
She had tried and tried and tried and then tried some more to forget the girl with eyes as green as the Earth, she even went to bed with someone else in a mix of needing human contact and punishing the person who hurt her so much but those eyes, they've always found a way to come back and haunt her, when she was dreaming and also when she was awake, always there to remind her of one of the many things she lost to the Mountain besides her battered innocence, a huge part of her soul already incomplete and her peace of mind and spirit which she didn't have for quite some time anyway.

She had been so angry at Lexa and her betrayal but more than that, she had been hurt by it and by her. She blamed Lexa for what she did, unfairly so. But it was the only way she found to not drown in guilt every single second of every single day and that is also because she knew that Lexa would let her.

She would have let Clarke blame her if it meant the blonde would spare herself from the crushing weight of the guilt she carried and that was what Lexa did when Clarke threatened her with the knife and instead of attacking her back, she let her go back to her people despite the dangers it could pose to her own position and her Coalition. Go back to her mom, to her people, if it could mean she would feel better. That is how selfless Lexa was beneath the tough façade she wore of the Commander.

Seeing Lexa fight with Roan and worrying about her safety was an eye opener for Clarke about the state and depths of her feelings regarding the Commander. Like, she was ready to kill the Ice Queen just so she could stop the fight from happening, could keep Lexa from danger but she wasn't able to thanks to the Queen's bodyguard, if you could call Ontari that, saw right through it and stopped her though Lexa won either way and beautifully so as she punished and killed the real culprit and made Roan the new King.

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