The Devil's Huntress

47 4 10

Author: emilymarieharvey

Genre: Vampire/Fantasy/Romance

Mature


The cover is nicely made and appealing, but I have to admit, I was more drawn into the story by your old cover. I felt that the old one fit the plot of the story better; it seemed to depict Violet's character, and your new one is more seductive rather than mysterious and suspenseful. The title is a perfect fit for your story, and it briefly labels what the story is about and what kind of a person the main character is. 

The story is very descriptive and elegantly written. The overall mood is quite suspenseful, and the audience is always curious as to what is to come next in the story. The prologue is interesting and easy to follow, and the sensory details are very clear. I was able to vividly picture Violet, her father, and the story that was being told in the prologue. The only thing that could use a bit more description is the setting. Where does the story take place and what exactly does it look like? This will allow the audience to picture the story much easier.

One section that could also be changed slightly to sound less repetitive is in the Prologue where you wrote "In a flash, the object sped off and an impossible speed, Violet's eyes widening when her eyes couldn't keep up with the dark figure." Here, you used the words "sped" and "speed" which make the sentence sound dull and repetitive. Perhaps you could use a word such as "dashed" or "raced" to give the sentence more variety. Additionally, the section where you wrote "...sped off and an impossible speed..." doesn't make much sense. Did you mean to write "...sped off at an impossible speed..."? This is how I interpreted your sentence, so be sure to take a look at this once more.

Otherwise, I thought you did an excellent job with your descriptions! You clearly explained every aspect of Violet's job, what a Ruined was, etc. and the reader wasn't left with any unanswered questions. 

Grammar/spelling mistakes:

Chapter 001: "Noah always liked to end a night like this with a bang, 'cleaning' the forest of the bodies literally the ground." The word "literally" doesn't seem to work with the sentence. Perhaps you meant to write "littering"?

Chapter 001: "She could hear either of the two boys behind her release a breath." The word "either" doesn't fit in this sentence properly. You could change it to flow more easily by writing "She could hear both boys behind her release a breath," or "She couldn't hear either of the two boys behind her release a breath." With the way it is written currently, the audience can't tell what is happening with the boys. 

The biggest inconsistency that I noticed within your story is the change in tense. For example, in the Prologue, you wrote, "He took a deep breath, gathering his thoughts and told his daughter of the Huntress" (past tense). Two paragraphs later, you wrote "Violet takes notice of her father's jaw twitching, and his now dark green eyes hardening" (present tense). The beginning of the prologue is all written in past tense, but it turns to present tense in the middle of the prologue, and then back to past towards the end. I noticed this happening in the next few chapters as well. Be sure to double check and make sure that the tense is consistent throughout your story. 

I also noticed that you do some head-hopping. This means that you transition back and forth between the thoughts of multiple characters. This makes sense if you chose to portray the story through third-person omniscient point-of-view, but a majority of your story is written from Violet's viewpoint, which led me to believe that you were writing from third-person limited. For example, in Chapter 1, you explain Violet's thoughts and actions, and then you jump into Sam's mind and begin describing what he is thinking. 

One area in particular that doesn't make sense is in Chapter 1 when Violet speaks to the strange man. In the beginning of their conversation, he tells her that asking "who are you?" is the wrong question. However, towards the end of the chapter, Violet says, "Then answer me this, who are you?" This area doesn't make sense, as the person already told her that she knew who he was, and he already refused to give her his name. 

It is obvious that you have thoroughly planned your story, and that you proofread every chapter to perfection. I noticed very few mistakes, and the plot is very thought-out!

The story moves at a consistently quick pace, but it is not too fast for the reader to keep up with. It is packed with suspense and details, and the prologue did a beautiful job of foreshadowing. It gave enough information to make the reader wonder what was to happen later in the story, but it didn't provide any spoilers or unnecessary details. 
The prologue on its own was very entertaining and information-filled, and it gave the reader enough details and time to make connections with each of the characters. Violet as a child is very adorable and likable, and Pierce is quite admirable in a way, despite what may come later in the story. Your audience can also connect with Violet's friends and fellow hunters as the story continues.

Violet is a very interesting and detailed character. Her mismatched eyes are a very unique trait, and they seem to hold some significance throughout the story. I particularly love how you described Violet as a child, and how over time she learned to hate Pierce. It was heart wrenching in a way, as you described him to be a thoughtful character in the beginning. It is sad to think about how Violet became hateful towards him, especially considering his promise to her. 

The story as a whole was extremely entertaining and attention-grasping. It wasn't at all dull or boring, and I loved the plot of the story. I love reading and writing stories of the same genre (in fact, your story reminded me a lot of my own, "Forbidden Darkness"), and I think your story and writing style is also very appealing to a variety of audiences, not just readers like me who are fascinated by the vampire world :)


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