32 3 4

Author: jojolikesbooks23

Genre: Vampire


The cover is quite bland as a whole. It depicts the overall story, but it isn't very attention grasping. I feel that your story would attract many more readers if the cover were more appealing. I know several cover artists who I'm sure would love to make you a better-fitting cover :) If you'd like, I'd be more than happy to send you their usernames!
The title fits the story very well, as Hayden seems to be craving the new boy who suddenly appears at her school one day. 

I didn't notice any overused words, but your descriptions are somewhat limited. You explain your story through actions rather than sensory details, which makes the setting seem bland and your characters seem like robots. I suggest that you add little details throughout the story to make it more clear to the reader. For example, in the first chapter, you could describe what the school looks like, what it smells like, what it sounds like, etc. Are there lots of people in the school? What does the main character look like? These questions should be addressed early in the story and maintained throughout. By offering even the slightest sensory details (smell, taste, sound, sight, and feeling), your readers have a much clearer picture of the setting in their minds. 

Additionally, your sentences are a bit short and choppy overall. You get to the point very quickly, which is generally very good, but you could draw your explanations out further. Even connecting simple sentences together can make the story run much more smoothly. 

Grammar errors:
Chapter 1: "I'm more then socially awkward." The word here should be replaced with "than," as "then" is used to refer to time. 
Chapter 1: "I'm not the average girl as to where I don't go out and no friends and blah blah blah." This sentence doesn't make sense. Perhaps you could reword it to something like, "Most people expect me to be the stereotypical shy girl. Believe it or not, I do go out and make friends, but (merging the next sentence) I can never trust anybody enough to get close to them."
Chapter 1: "Sometimes thinking about how my brother could have had a better life males me teary eyed." Small typo here--I assume that you meant to write "makes." 
Chapter 1: "'Hayden your home." The word here should be "you're" as in "you are." "your" should be used when speaking about possessions. 
Chapter 2: "I guess being to scared to trust people does hurt." The word "to" in this sentence should be replaced with "too."
Chapter 2: "I begin to believe that I'm only act and thinking this way because..." This sentence could be changed in two ways in order to make it flow correctly: "(first way) I begin to believe that I only act and think this way because..." or "(second way) I begin to believe that I'm only acting and thinking this way because..."
Chapter 2: The way you wrote "So I just make my way out of my window," makes it seem as if Hayden is sneaking out and moving towards the strange person outside. Instead, you could write it as "I turn and make my way away from my window; I wouldn't want this guy to see me."
Chapter 2: "I sit on the couch and watch spongebob with Michael." The word "spongebob" should be capitalized, as it is the name of a television show. Additionally, I feel that you could add some details to make this picture more clear to your readers. For example, you could write "I fell lazily onto the comfortable sofa right beside Michael. The sun had been shining on it all morning, and I could feel the heat from the fabric warming my cold body."
Chapter 2: "Sam made Michael take a nap after we all are lunch." Make sure you always proofread your work, as I assume "are" is a typo.
Chapter 2: "I have very bad patients when it comes to dealing with curiosity." The word here should be "patience," which means Hayden has a hard time waiting. The word "patients" refers to a patient in a doctor's office, for example. 

Book Reviews (Closed for Catch-Up)Read this story for FREE!