Chapter 12-Remembering

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"Who's there?", I asked into the darkness. I was afraid to shine my phone around, I didn't know who I would see or what I would see, and it was terrifying, but I needed to see what was in the room, so I turned my phone towards the living room and scanned the room. The light on my phone found dirty feet, knees bent and ripped black jeans. As soon as I saw the scar on his stomach, I knew it was Bucky. He was sitting under the window against the wall where the fire escape was. It was on the far side of the apartment, next to the living room. He was sitting there, his head down, his hair disheveled and he was shirtless. His hands were covered in blood and my heart flew up into my throat.

"Bucky? Bucky, what... are you okay?", I asked him. I didn't walk to him, I still felt frozen where I stood.

He didn't answer me. He just sat there with his arms hugging his knees.

I walked to him slowly, I wasn't sure if he hurt himself or someone else, if he had a weapon. I felt guilty for thinking that, but I also knew that it was impossible to ever know anyone completely, what they are capable of.

I stood in front of him and knelt down to him, I was shaking. "What happened?", I whispered to him.

He didn't say anything, he just stared straight ahead. He looked shell shocked, miles away and it was jarring. His hair was all over his face in strands and he was sweating.

 His hair was all over his face in strands and he was sweating

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"Hey...I need you tell me what happened.", I said to him, gently lifting his chin up so his eyes met mine.

His eyes were puffy, and he looked like he was starving for sleep. His bottom lip was quivering, and he looked as if he would burst into tears at any moment.

"I don't know. I woke up and I was here. I was...I was...my hands....", he said looking at his red hands.

"Bucky, I need you to tell me who's blood this is.", I said to him firmly.

"I don't know.", he said to me. Tears started rolling down his cheeks, he looked as scared as I felt, and I could only imagine what was going through his mind.

I had to check on Steve, make sure he was okay. I knocked on his door and he didn't answer. I knocked much louder and harder and he flung the door open, looking like I woke him from dead sleep. "What's going on?", he asked me groggily.

"Bucky.", I said to him pointing to Bucky.

"Oh my god!", he said as he sprang towards Bucky's direction.

"Buck what happened?! What happened?!", he shouted as he held Bucky's face in his hands. Bucky said nothing, he just stared at his hands.

"He says he doesn't know, he woke up and he was here.", I said to Steve.

"Fuck! Get the first aid kit!", Steve said. I wasn't sure if I was more shocked that Bucky was sitting there with blood all over him or that Steve said the F word.

I grabbed the kit from my bathroom and went to Bucky's room where Steve helped him walk. He sat Bucky on the bed and he was still in shock, saying nothing, a blank look on his face. He was clearly somewhere else mentally.

Steve started looking at his hands, he had no wounds, he had no other visible scrapes or cuts on his body. We couldn't figure it out and I just stood there with the first aid kit, waiting to quickly put a bandage on a gaping wound somewhere, but there was nothing that we could see.

"Help me take off his pants.", Steve said to me as he got Bucky to stand up.

I stood there for a minute, baffled by the request.

"Gabe! Help me!", he said. "I need to keep him on his feet, you need to take his pants off!", Steve said to me angrily.

I threw the kit on the bed and put my hands on his waist, he was staring straight in front of him, looking at nothing. I unbuttoned his jeans and pulled them down to his ankles. He had on navy blue boxer briefs, his thighs were massive and each muscle tensed as I looked at his legs. Steve started looking at his skin, his back and he didn't have any fresh wounds, it was strange. His hands were so thickly covered in blood, fresh blood and he was unharmed.

"He's not injured.", Steve said looking at me with a sad expression. It was scary knowing that the blood wasn't his and not knowing how it got there. Did he hurt someone? Kill someone? What could have possibly happened?

"I need to call someone, can you stay with him?", Steve said to me. "Clean him up.", he barked at me as he left the room and started dialing numbers on his phone. I was astounded. Scared and worried. What the hell happened? Bucky sat there on the edge of his bed, totally zoned out like a zombie and it was terrifying. I hadn't seen him this way since we met. I knew the funny, anxiety ridden, soft spoken guy who would stay up all night and watch The Brady Bunch with me. I knew him as a gentle man, strong and yet humble, damaged, but trusting with me and this wasn't the man I knew. This wasn't my best friend.

I got a wet washcloth and started washing his hands. I took his hands in mine and wiped the red off of them. The white cloth soaked with red as I cleaned his hands. He never said anything, he never moved.

I was able to get him to lay down, he was on his side staring at the wall, I put a blanket over him and didn't know what else to do so I just laid down next to him. I wasn't sure what to say and figured laying with him might comfort him, so that's what I did. I laid against him, my chest to his back and his skin was on fire. He was hot and sweaty and breathing hard. He was shaking, his body trembling. I put my arms around him. "It's gonna be okay.", I whispered to him, even though I didn't know if it would be. I laid there for what seemed like hours. Worrying about him, hoping he would be okay, wondering what could have possibly happened. The worst things went through my head. I kept remembering that he wasn't the only one running from his past. I was too and the only thing that separated us, was the fact that he couldn't remember why.


"Gonna get into it. Down where it's tangled and dark. Way on into it, Baby. Down where your fears are parked. Gonna tell the truth about it. Honey, that's the hardest part. When we get through it, Baby. You're gonna give up your heart."

Tangled and Dark-Bonnie Raitt

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