The Sociopath With Feelings

My moms death and forgiving

No one knew what started it,but my mom had depression even the doctors didn't understand, she had been fine one day and depressed the next,or,that's how it seemed.

Dad had acted strangely at the time,so did Rachel,I didn't understand at the time,they were sad, dad maybe reaching the depressed point as mom had,but she wouldn't let him she wanted us happy.

On May 24th 2008 Rachel and I came home,hoping it'd be one of moms good day, but it turns out it was a really bad day,mom lay there on the ground of the living room,with a slit in each wrist,a knife in her hand.

Rachel cried no thoughts of anything but,just moms death I can't say I didn't,but I was more rational,I called dad while Rachel cried over her dead body I told her to check her pulse but I knew,she was gone.

As I called dad at work all I could manage was “mom,she's-dad come home" he questioned of course but I couldn't say anymore I was...choked up the tears were coming and it shocked me because even at eleven I had never cried and now I felt like full out sobbing but I didn't,I couldn't.

Even then at eleven years old feeling such pain was foreign to me,and I feel as if it always will be.

Dad came home around fifteen minutes later,the police were already there,and when he saw mom he just collapsed,he had both Rachel and I in his grip when he fell to his knees.

As a kid I always thought of dad as the strongest person I ever knew,and to see him fall to his knees at moms death,I knew it was okay to cry,and I did,I cried for almost two days straight but I didn't cry at the funeral,neither did dad,or Rachel we all wore blank faces.

I didn't understand the pain of the death of someone so dear to you,that you cried but I did now and I wish I never had learned it,I wish my mom was still there,that dad was still the best dad an eleven year old could ask for.

But mom was gone and she wasn't coming back,dad was never the same and he never would be,nothing could change any of those things,but I learned a lesson,that the people you think will always be there for you,they all leave some time and I've never gotten attached again.

It was the anniversary of that horrible,horrible day I didn't want to do anything,I didn't go to school I just sat there on the couch,in my pajamas,remembering, I ended up calling Rachel asking for a ride to where she was buried.

And we sat there crying for hours at the her grave,this time,both remembering and I still didn't understand who could be so cruel as to take my mom away from me,why they did it,why did it matter to them what happened.

But,apparently it did and I couldn't change that no matter how much I,so dearly wanted to.

We sat there for another couple hours until it was late into the night and we both needed to get home, Rachel looked with sorrow again and this time I understood,she wanted to change it but she couldn't and it was the past.

So that was when I forgave her,but I didn't forget,I don't think I ever could,but I could look past it at least I could for now it seemed to make her happy,as she pulled me into a rib crushing hug before she let go,embarrassed but I pulled her back loving the motherly feel,I hadn't felt in six years.

To my surprise dad was home,no drink in hand,sobbing his eyes out I wanted to comfort him as Rachel did with me,but I didn't instead I sat down on the couch with and watched the cartoons that were still on.

He looked over at me once he had caught his breath,it looked as if he was going to say something but he didn't,he just put his arm around me like he used to as a kid,I knew I should reject the contact of the man who has been making my life a living hell for six years.

But some how,I couldn't I accepted the unsaid words and leaned into the comforting touch of my father,that id missed sure I probably should have rejected it said no,tell him what he said to me all those years,but I couldn't,I didn't have heart to do that to an already shattered man.

He was still my father,no matter what I don't forgive him,and I can't forget,but for now I would give him the comfort he so dearly needed,while at the same time,it gave me comfort as well,because it showed me I still had a parent.

With his arm around me,and me leaning into his embrace,he spoke regretfully “im sorry about...well...everything I was in pain and I needed it to go away the drinks helped with that" I just nodded,because while I couldn't fully forgive him,I needed a parent,I craved a parent.

So for now id accept his apology,and I wasn't going to let anyone take my dad away now,never again was I going to lose another parent I wouldn't let it happen no matter what it took,damn the consequences.