The Brewing Of Guilt

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 The day goes by quietly. I called Travie and Dana to tell them that T and I are back together, and everything’s okay. They tweeted it, and everyone knows now. It’s okay, though—I want everyone to know. I want people to look at me and know think, “Tyga loves that girl”. I want Tyga’s female fans to be jealous of me because I’m his girlfriend. I want them to recognize us as a couple.

I have these thoughts the entire day. At least, that’s until I have a stomach ache.

My stomach hurts really badly as I’m lying in bed watching TV with T. I try to hide it, but after I while, I have to throw up. I run to the bathroom and vomit into the toilet. When I think it’s done, I throw up some more. There’s a hard feeling in my stomach, like it’s clenching up. I feel drowsy.

Then I look in the mirror, and suddenly get scared. No, it can’t be. I think to myself. Then I start having doubts.

“T, come here for a second please.” I call to him. He doesn’t answer. “T!”

“What?” He asks.

“Come here.”

There’s a pause, but finally I hear him dragging his steps to the bathroom. “Eww.” He says when he sees me doubled over the sink, almost ready to throw up again.

“Can I ask you something?” I ask. He shrugs. “Did you…protect yourself the other day?” I continue, referring to what we did. T doesn’t reply—there’s a thoughtful look on his face, and for a second he looks scared.

But then he forces a smile, and tries to look relaxed. “Of course I did, baby.”

“You sure?” I ask. I’m worried.

“Jaydi, relax. What you’re thinking could never happen.” He says, pats my back, and then walks away. I almost let him walk away, until something he said clicks in my head.

“What could never happen?” I call to him. He walks back to me.

“You know…you getting pregnant.” T says.

“Why could that never happen?” I’m getting a little upset. Just a little.

“Do you want to have a child?” He asks. I shake my head. “Neither do I. So just drop it.”

“Do you want to stay with me? You said you wanted to be with me for a long time.” I say, quoting what he said earlier.

“So?”

“So, that means you want to get married. And if we get married, we have children. I’m not going to be with you for a long time without getting married, if that’s what you meant.” I snap. Remember the tower of anger that King Kong knocked down? Yeah, he’s building it back up for me.

In other words, I’m pissed.

“Why are you thinking so far ahead?” He asks, annoyed.

“Why aren’t you?”

“You know what Jaydi,” T says, lowering his voice, “let’s stop it. We have to pick your brother up at the airport. Let’s not get in a fight in the meantime please.” With that, he walks back to the room.

And I’m left with an aching stomach and upset mind.

“Keron, I never told you that you could bring someone.” I snap at him. I’m at the airport with Keron, and he’s standing beside his best friend Raquan. Raquan is Puerto Rican, with long wavy black hair and  bushy eyebrows. He has moist pink lips and tanned skin, and his smile is brilliant.

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