Corellian Standoff

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Prompt: Write a 1K - 1.2K one-shot that pits a 'good' character of one fandom against an 'evil' character of another fandom. Let them engage in a battle of wits, putting the main emphasis on the dialogue.


"So, just to recap... you want me to come out so that you can shoot me and nail my head to the wall of your cave?"

The hairy guy leaned forward on his mount, and smiled. "No. I said you will come out sooner or later, when your food runs out, and then I'll shoot you and give your body to a taxidermist." He waved his arm, indicating Han's whole body. "Why would I only use your head for decoration?"

Han laughed and leaned casually against the frame of the freight ramp. He had only opened it halfway - no need to tempt these guys. "Alright, let me rephrase - you think you can shoot me with that primitive stick of yours, while I have laser cannons that can vaporize you, and your crew, in the blink of an eye. I mean," he gave the alien a thumbs-up, "love the attitude. Really, you've got balls. But let's be realistic here..."

"Oh, I am realistic," his opponent purred. Black fur covered his whole body, as far as Han could see under his clothing, with the exception of his sneering face. When Chewbacca had announced the arrival of the 'hairy guys', Han had suggested that he should talk to them, from one hairy guy to another. But Chewie had refused, insisting that first-contact negotiations were the responsibility of the captain.

Maybe he shouldn't have told Chewie that deciding which spare parts were compatible with the hyperdrive and which weren't was the captain's privilege earlier. Maybe Chewie had been right, and that compressor really wasn't compatible, and that was why they were stranded here, so far off course that not even the ship's computer could identify their position. And this world was too primitive to provide them with any spare parts at all, compatible or not. The Wookie had holed up in the engineering section, and shooed him away every time Han asked for an update on his progress.

It was one of these days again.

"Look," Han said. "I'm going to repair my engines" - no need to tell these furry aliens that the Millenium Falcon's crew existed of more people than him - "and then I'll be off your back. If you want to camp here and admire the Falcon, be my guests." He turned to go. If they could at least get their sublight engines back online, they could park the Falcon on this world's moon, and complete the repairs in peace.

"You've been trying to repair your engines for almost ten days now," the hairy guy remarked. He had called himself Murko, or Urko, or something.

Han turned back, careful not to show his annoyance. That Murko guy was way too perceptive. "It's high-end technology. It needs a gentle hand."

"Or maybe it's just too damaged to be salvageable," Murko - Urko? - smiled. "And you'll stay here forever. Or at least until you're too hungry to stay inside, or too weak to fire your weapon when we come to get you. I can wait. And in the meantime -" he nodded at the ship looming over him and his minions, "we'll admire your ship. You're not the first as-tro-naut we captured."

"Or maybe I'll barbecue you with that laser cannon, once I'm hungry enough," Han said belligerently. "That would solve my problem of food and having to see your ugly visage."

Urko snorted. "You're not that kind of human. If you had wanted to kill me, you would've done so already."

Han wagged a finger at him. "Don't be so sure, fuzzball - I don't wait until the other guy draws on me."

Urko narrowed his eyes. "If you think you're faster than me, come out and prove it."

"With all your buddies' fingers at their triggers? I'm not stupid." He would be faster than that pompous Wookie-wannabie, of that Han was certain. But shooting the guy, only to be shot by his buddies in return wasn't his idea of a victory. No, he had to play for time, to give Chewie the chance to finally repair their damn engine and leave.

But Urko was right about one thing - their supplies wouldn't last much longer, and he was hungry.

"You're a coward, then," Urko said mildly. "Well, that's no surprise. Humans are incapable of showing courage, or honor, or loyalty."

"Oh really," Han said flatly. "How come that you know anything about humans?"

"The more... progressive... members of society insist on keeping them as livestock, or even as pets." Urko's lip curled in disgust. "A regrettable delusion I intend to correct."

For a moment, Han was speechless. So there were people on this planet... humans... and they were basically slaves? Or dead, if this guy had it his way.

Uh, not your problem, Han, you promised that you'd stay out of noble, hopeless fights against evil autocrats... maybe tell her princessness about it when you get back... she can add these people her to her to-do list...

Suddenly, he had an idea. "You know, I didn't tell you before, because he told me he didn't want to be disturbed," he grinned at Urko, "but now that you mention it, you can't shoot me, by your own rules."

Urko raised his brows. "Is that so."

"Yeah. I'll show you. Don't go anywhere." Han didn't wait for a reply, drew up the freight ramp completely - no need to tempt the guy - and went to get his irrefutable argument.

He barely kept himself from rubbing his hands when he opened the ramp again. Urko's expression would be priceless.

Urko's face was completely expressionless as his gaze wandered up and down Chewbacca's imposing figure. "Who is that?"

Han gestured at his companion with flourish. "Someone taller than you, hairier than you, and - and that's the important thing - my owner."

Chewie let out a surprised cry. Han patted his arm, his gaze never leaving Urko's face. "You're not going to trespass on another hairy guy's property, are you?"

"He's not an ape," Urko said finally.

"No, he's better than that," Han said, without batting an eye. "That's why he's not talking to you, but sent me instead. He's a bit of an elitist, y'know?"

There was a bit of muttering among Urko's men at that, but Urko held up a hand, and his minions fell silent.

"Tell your master that he'll better hurry up with his repairs," Urko said at last. "If his machine is still here when the moon is full, we'll tear it apart." He leaned forward in his saddle and glared at Han. "And then we'll kill you both."

Han saluted him with a grin. "Got it. Have a nice day." He retreated into the ship while the ramp whined closed, before Urko could think of a snappy riposte.

Chewbacca jovially slapped his back and uttered a series of amused moans and growls. Han sighed. He'd never hear the end of it. "I know, I know! Just... don't tell anyone about it. You hear me? Especially not that stuck-up royal pain..."

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