crash. | lil peep |

3

   sometimes i dreamt that everything was good. there was no pain, no hatred. no love. but dreams never became true. i found that out when i woke up and scrolled through my Instagram to find Gus's story to be filled with him running his camera over the top of a girl's breasts and neck, there were dark purple hickies left everywhere. Even a heart shaped one over her breast as well.
    i tossed my phone to the side, and rolled over to the other side of my bed and let out a short scream. everything was so fucking irritating. he was irritating. but he was Gus. i moved back to my phone and scrolled through the rest of my feed before I got a text from Gus.

my one & only 🐣💘:
tracy & horsehead wanna meet you. come to the club from our first night together and we'll see you there. bye

usually Gus included a playful tone to his messages. this was one was stone cold, and full of something i could not read. nonetheless i got myself up, tied my curly hair back into a pony tail and did my makeup. my outfit consisted of a baggy Tommy Hilfiger sweater and some overalls, with white vans.

By the time I got to the club, I could see Tracey in the front with Horsehead. I tilted my head, searching for Gus. I couldn't find him. After parking I stepped out, and walked towards them.
Tracey noticed me, and his eyes widened and he seemed to be at a loss for words. He slapped Horsehead's arm, and Horsehead looked as if he almost choked.
I got near them, and before I got a chance to say a word Tracey spoke. "Are you Jude?"
"Uh yeah. I am." I responded. I began to feel quite awkward and uncomfortable at this point. I toyed with my fingers in front of me, looking down at my toes like some sort of child getting punished.
    "Come inside." Tracey said, grabbing my waist and gently leading me inside. It was oddly affectionate, and endearing. Inside, there were groups of the musicians that i became familiar with over the years.  fat nick, ruby & scrim with crystal meth, and several others. Half naked girls danced in the dim lighting with the faded colors melting onto their skin. A hundred dollar bill stuck out of the band out of one's black thong. As we went further, I spotted Gus in the back on a couch with two girls on either side of them. One was kissing his neck while the other rubbed his dick through his jeans. Something inside me ached and to avoid tearing up I cleared my throat as we came up. Gus looked at me, and smiled. It was almost as if he felt as though he wasn't doing anything wrong. He probably thought that.
    After shooing off the girls, Gus leaned forward and put his chin on his palm and grinned. Fuck. That smile, it could break me and save me at the same time. Maybe it will.
       "Boooooo," Gus whined. "Where you come from looking so fuckin fine? Fuckkk." Gus was incredibly fucked. His pupils were blown wide, but i could still see the brown of his irises. Warmth was flowing to face, his cheeks were a cute shade of pink. Tracey led me to sit next to him, and I did. But I kept my distance. Or tried to.
    Gus leaned over rested his head on my shoulder. "Can you believe how fucking gorgeous she is, guys?"  Gus sounded genuinely in awe, which caused my cheeks to turn pink. He's fucked up, he didn't mean it. "Like seriously, the amount of times I've pictured my lips on her collar bones FUCK."
    Tracey looked at me, as did Horsehead. The look they shared didn't hold good things. I pushed Gus off of my shoulder, turning to look at him. "Gus, why am I here exactly?"
     Gus laughed and answered. "So I can show them my new boo."
    I sighed, and pushed myself up. I wasn't going to do this right now. I couldn't fucking do this right now. I stepped to leave, bus Gus grabbed my wrist. "Baby no," he whined. He stuck out his bottom lip. "Come back to me."
    "Gus, I'm your fuck buddy. Nothing else." I turned to Tracey and Horsehead and spoke. "It's an honor to even breathe the same air as you guys, seriously, but I can't do this right now. I hope you understand."
      Tracey and Horsehead nodded, and without another word I walked away from the table. Gus whined after me, but he didn't bother to get up. That was fine by me. I went towards the nearest exit, that took me to the alleyway to the right of the building. Gus's tour bus was parked there and I walked towards it. I was so tired, I barely slept four hours after Gus left. I sighed, and leaned against the tour bus. He fucking smiles at me with other girls on his dick, when he was fucking me the night before. I shouldn't be upset, I shouldn't be pissed. But I am. And it kind of feels good to be mad. I felt the anger rise in my chest, finally allowing myself to feel it all. I let out a scream, turning around and throwing my foot into the tire over and over again. My toes ached.
   "Hey hey hey." I heard Tracey's voice come from a distance and the pounding of his feet on the pavement as he jogged towards me. He grabbed me by my shoulders and pulled me back. "Are you okay?" He asked. Panting, I shrugged. "Do you want to talk about it?" He asked.
"Gus picks me out of all people to be his little fuck-buddy and I don't even know why. then he comes to my fucking house to tell me this doesn't have to do with emotion, and we should just fuck. Which is fine, I guess. But then he treats me like I'm some trophy. When he doesn't even have me? Or honestly, he hasn't earned me." I poured all the frustration out on Tracey, and thankfully he sat there and listened. He seemed to understand what I was saying, for he nodded and pursed his lips.
"The problem with Gus is," Tracey began. "He's been through a lot of shit with love. I think he likes you, and it's the beginning of whatever but he doesn't want it to happen. He'd rather have the life of drugs and sex."
I nodded, and ran my fingers through my hair. Tracey was right. I probably shouldn't expect too much from Gus at this point. I probably shouldn't expect much from anyone.
    "Hey," Tracey began. "Do you want to come smoke a blunt or two with me in the bus?" The fact that he invited me made me feel better.
    "Yes, please." I mumbled, giving him a slight smile. With that he grinned, and led me into the bus the same way he led me into the club.