After a few days he's let out, so I take him to my apartment, not wanting to take him to get his clothes. We'll just buy new ones. I loved, and continue to love Phil but there is one thing that irks to me this day. He pretends to be okay. I hear his whimpers, his nightmares. As bad as it sounds, I'm waiting for him to break. Which he will eventually, like I did. Like take right now for example, he wanted me to sleep in the same bed as him tonight, so I complied, obviously. He has some differences, he got a sleeve of tattoos down his left arm now, that arm is now wrapped around me tightly. His face is nuzzled into my hoodie, as he tumbles through sleep. His jet-Black hair the only thing visible from his sleeping position.
Now the mental and physical differences are there too. Like if I move too fast then he gets panicked or flinches. He's afraid of fire, and lighters, I assume that's how he got the burns on his stomach. Thankfully I don't have a gas stove, or we'd all be screwed. He isn't as dominate anymore, not fond of being in the dark alone anymore. I don't mind though, I was a pain after what happened to me, so I figure it's fair. Also he had no control over what happened to him, although I managed to convince him to get a therapist which he sees once a week. I think that's the least I could do.
He holds me tighter now then when we first started dating, as though he's afraid I'll leave him. He's also doing what I did, hiding my scars from the world, he doesn't sleep shirtless anymore or anything. It covers the burn scars going down all of his stomach and back. It's currently 9am, I slept maybe 5 hours? I see light filtering through the curtains, which wakes me up. Although Phil just sleeps soundly, the bags under his eyes telling me he hasn't had a decent night of sleep in forever.
As he wakes up, eyes foggy with sleep, he feels around, making sure I'm still here.
"I wanna lay here forever." Phil mumbles into my chest.
"Why?" I laugh softly.
"Cause this is what love feels like. The content, the bliss, just everything about this." He smiles, propping his head up on his elbow.
"For months," I start, "I tried to fill the gaping hole in my heart. Sleeping with guys, almost every night, and I stopped eating as much. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't good enough. Then one day at work, I got this call from the hospital. I swear if a-anyone had seen my face they probably would've seen tears. I remember the words we have Phil Lester in the Hospital and he requested us to call you. I remember putting on a shirt and literally speeding to the hospital in my car. I was so scared that you were going to die, so I stayed there in the hospital. I only left 4 times during the whole time, and that was to sleep. I was so scared of losing you, even though you had broken my heart."
I sigh, and feel tears creeping at my eyes, "Then while you were loopy on pain meds you confessed everything, about the burns, bruises, and scratches. I realized why you had left me, and dear god Phil, I'm so fucking sorry."
"I love you." He mumbles, kissing me softly.
"I love you too." I smile into the kiss.
"A couple times I thought Eli actually loved me. I felt bad that I could never love him the same, sometimes I felt like running away or calling the cops. Even if I did, where would I go? I had successfully broken your heart, so you hated me, Louise didn't know where I had gone, I told her I had gotten a better job. I isolated myself from everyone, and one day I did run away. I ran over to the abandoned building about 2 months later, ready to jump. Eli found me, consoled me and told me everything he loved about me. I was so under his spell that I couldn't see why I needed to leave again. When police came one day, I was screaming from the burns, apparently neighbors had heard and sent a police officer. They found me tied to a bed, with burns all across me, and arrested Eli on the spot. I grabbed my phone and kept saying 'call Dan' 'please call Dan I need to talk to him'. I'm shocked you actually went."
"I still loved you, even though you had broken my heart. I couldn't figure out why, but I did. When I got the call I realized everything that had happened in that second." I sigh, sitting up against the headboard.
"I'm thankful you did, as selfish as it sounds. I'm truly thankful you still love me, after all you went through. I love you more than anything, I have since we started dating, and even with Eli." He mumbles, sitting up beside me.
"You think our relationship will ever be the same?" I ask hesitantly.
"It may be slightly different, but we'll make it work. I'm getting a job in about two weeks, so I'll help pay bills again. I'm going back to the book store with Louise, who is excited to have me back." He reassures me.
"Phil..how did you get those burns?" I ask softly, not wanting to sound forceful.
It's a delicate topic, and I don't want to poke the beast.
"Anything with metal, and occasionally his lighter. Typically it would be a coat hanger or pan. He sometimes would tie me down or-" I see his eyes take a glassy look.
"Phil stop." I cut him off, and his eyes lose the glassy look. Thank god.
I see tears in his eyes, and one going down his cheek.
"I'm sorry." He looks away, and oh shit I messed up.
"Phil I only told you to stop because I didn't want you to trigger yourself, it's alright." I try to reassure him.
"It's fine Dan. I just- I just took it wrong." He looks back at me.
"Come here." I mumble, laying back down, pulling him into my arms again.
"Can we pleaseeee stay like this the whole day?" Phil asks.