The Girl Behind His Attitude

56 3 1

Author: calltrix

Genre: Romance

Curse Words

The cover is quite appealing overall, but I feel that some effects could be added to make it stick out a bit more. It does fit the story quite well, and it matches the setting that you have created. The title is also attention-grasping, and it fits the Romance genre very nicely.

Your vocabulary is very nice, and I haven't noticed any repetitive words or phrases. The story moves smoothly and it is very interesting to read!

However, one thing I did notice is a bit of misused vocabulary. In Chapter 3, you wrote " that's gonna be gone in 4 to 5 gulps?!" The word "gulps" is generally used when referring to a drink, and the word "bites" is used more often when speaking about food. Additionally, it is best to avoid using multiple punctuation marks in the same place. Here, you could end the sentence with only a question mark, and then add a descriptive sentence to emphasize Clinton's tone of voice.

I observed some minor spelling and grammar mistakes throughout the story:

Prologue:"...looking like a mad woman running in this quite corridor..." I assume that you meant to write "quiet" rather than "quite" (I've made this mistake multiple times in my own writing).
Prologue: I noticed that you spelled ma'am as "Mam." Be sure to keep an eye out for this as you continue writing.
Prologue: You wrote "I guessed Albert passing out and hospitalized made him shock." This sentence could be changed to something that flows a bit smoother; perhaps it could be written like "I assumed that Albert passing out and being hospitalized shocked him."
Prologue: "All you need to do is just saying yes, Lily." The word "saying" should be changed to "say."
Chapter 3: "It had been 5 days since the last time I saw the Miller." In this sentence, the word "Miller" should contain an "s" at the end, as it is plural. Additionally, it would be best if you spelled out the word "five" rather than using the number in your writing. This flows best with creative writing.
Chapter 3: "His tone was annoying and so did his winning expression." This sentence doesn't make much sense overall. "His tone was annoying," is perfectly fine, but "so did his winning expression," does not work with it. Perhaps you meant to write "His tone was annoyed and so was his expression," which would be a clear explanation for the situation.

One thing in particular that you could focus on to improve your writing is your use of plural and singular words. For example, in the Prologue, you wrote "Our family was facing a terrible (singular) financial problems (Plural)." Additionally, some words such as "frauds" (which was used a few times in the Prologue) can remain singular--"fraud." I noticed several of these types of mistakes throughout the story.

Another element that you could keep an eye out for is the changing between past and present tense. For example, in Chapter 2, you wrote "The shattering (present) glass spread (past) all over the pavement which made many passerbyes screaming (present) and ran (past) from the scene." Although these are very easy mistakes to make, try to keep everything in past tense, as this is how your story seems to be written. I only noticed this a couple of times in the story, so it is not a major issue :)

Despite this, your story is written very nicely, especially considering English is not your first language!

The story as a whole is quite entertaining, but the first chapter is slightly confusing. Although the Prologue provides some additional background information, there are lots of people, occupations, etc. that are unexpectedly brought in. I think it may be helpful to the audience if you organize the first chapter a bit differently. For example, when Bianca began talking to her stylist on the phone, the conversation seemed very random and disconnected from the day's events. Perhaps you could add some more links between the events that occur and maybe some hints towards what is to come later in the story. Additionally, the part where Bianca mentioned Cole was also somewhat unexpected. Although he was described more later in the story, I think you could incorporate the section about him more smoothly in the first chapter.

The story moves at an interesting pace and every chapter ends on a suspenseful note. For example, in Chapter 2, the audience is very interested in reading about what happened to Cole and why he spiraled out of control.

I noticed some small gaps between explanations in your story. In Chapter 3, when Bianca and Clinton were discussing boys in France, there is a section where you wrote "Clinton was going to get up and catch me but I ran upstairs before he could catch me." This doesn't fit in the story too well, as Clinton had just taken a seat and they were having a discussion. You also didn't explain in what way Clinton was trying to catch Bianca. I would assume it was a friendly, sibling-like tackle, but this could be more thoroughly explained.

The characters are decently developed, and you clearly explain the background of each of the characters. I especially enjoy how you covered Bianca's and Cole's lives, which allowed your readers to understand them more thoroughly.

One thing that is slightly unrealistic are some of the conversations that the characters have with one another. For example, in Chapter 3, Bianca's mom comes home and says "Hey kids.. What a lovely night to have both of my children at home!" This sentence sounds very forced and unnatural. Most parents wouldn't speak like this, so it sounds a bit awkward when being read.

Overall, the story is very entertaining and it is interesting to read about such a unique character! The story is fun, and it is written incredibly well considering English is not your first language! I am excited to continue!

*Analysis is based on the first 5 chapters

Book ReviewsRead this story for FREE!