One. I am not afraid of you anymore.

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Dear Jim,

I am not afraid of you. You were my weakness, but I am not afraid of you anymore. We shouldn't fear the pain, you said. We shouldn't fear.

I am you, and you are me. We are the same. It's not like I didn't know that before. I said you were gay, the first time we saw each other. I never denied, John couldn't see that. You did. Bravo. We are the same. Idiotically in love with somebody we cannot have.

I realized that when you fell from the Reichenbach Falls, in my mind, in 1895. What you symbolized wasn't my weakness anymore. It became my strength. You want to burn my heart? I am aware of your beautiful plan. So perfect, so clever. You are taking my John away from me, so you can get yours. Mary Morstan. It sounds similar, Moriarty and Morstan. You are taking him away right when I realized something so, so important. You are burning my heart.

John loves her, but I will do everything I possibly can for him to be happy. I just want him to be happy. That was why I killed Magnussen. He was a threat to Mary, so he was a threat do John's heart, and consequently to mine.

And what if it hurts? It hurts so much, but if a life with this woman is what makes him happy, I will not let her break his heart.


You will not stop me.

Of course Mary is a liar, I know that. But John loves her. There is nothing I won't do for him to live peacefully with her and their daughter.

We are so alike. We are both in love with somebody we cannot have.

You know you can't have me, and I know I will never have my John. I knew that then, in St. Bart's, when I was ready to fall for him. Only one of your men would have been enough, I was ready to fall.

You saw that, didn't you? You couldn't stand the thought of somebody else having me if you couldn't. That was your plan, send Mary Morstan to London. Let her take John's heart before I could do that.

Don't think you won. I will keep her safe, she won't destroy his heart. Because if she tries to do that for the third time, he... (oh John, forgive me for the second one, for the first one please feel free to blame Mycroft, the Afghanistan war was his fault). I would rather have a happy, married friend than a destroyed lover.

And I definitely prefer him, even as a friend, than you.

Never, Jim. You will never have me. Yes, we are alike, but we stand on the opposite sides.

I don't want to try and change my side, thank you. I am doing well with the angels here, even though they are breaking my heart.

You will never have me, Jim. Not today, not tomorrow, never.

I am quite aware of the fact that Mary Morstan is here to burn my heart.

And still, I am willing to watch after her, like a good angel. Masochist.

You are a masochist too. Drowning in a feeling you cannot express, I am not blind.

You won't have me,

love, SH
xxx

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