Chapter 29 - selfish

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"What the fuck, Mao ?" Ethan said right after I told him I gave up on my treatment.

He got out of the bed and put his hands on his hips, facing me.
"What the fuck ?" He repeated.
I signed.
"You don't understand..." I said.
"Then explain me !"
"I- I just... I can't do this anymore e."
"What ? It's just fucking chemo."
"JUST fucking chemo, Ethan ?!" I said, sitting at the edge of my bed.
"It's not just chemo, Ethan ! You have no idea how it makes me feel ! What are you even talking about ?"

"Mao, I-"
"No !" I cut him off.
"Chemo is a way to treat cancer that use drugs to kill cancer cells ! The fuck do you think it is ? Paracetamol ? It makes me feel ill and very tired all the time, and the more my cancer was growing the more I needed chemo. I have shortness of breath, I have pain in my stomach, I'm loosing my hair, I have night sweats and you know that, I have fever, loss of appetite and weight. I look like a fucking zombie, Ethan ! Damn it. Chemo kills cancer cells but it's so strong that sometimes it kills healthy cells..."
I shrugged with a sad smile, looking at him in the eyes.
"It's making me more sick than I already am..."
Ethan looked down.
"You've done that almost all your life... Why stopping now ?" He asked.
"Because, Ethan, I'm sick of it. There is no hope, my cancer propagated in almost all my organs. I'm going to die."

"Don't say that." Ethan said closing his eyes."
"Yes, I'm saying it. I'm going to die, that's a thing."
Ethan looked at me in the eyes and I could see anger.
"You're selfish." He told me.
Did he just...
"Selfish ?"
"Yes. If you don't want to do chemo because it makes you sick than do it for me ! Do it for your dad, your friends, Gray, and basically everybody that loves you !" He said.
"I can't live for others. I have to live for myself."
Ethan signed.
"What ?! What, Ethan ? You think I'm selfish ? That's what you think I am ? But who's really the selfish one here huh ? Me, because I want to live the rest of my fucking life doing the things that I live without dealing with chemo and what comes with it ? Or you, because you want to deprive me to make what could somewhat make me happy for a 2 percent chance of living ?" I yelled.

"I refuse to stand idly by and watch you die slowly." Ethan said looking at me in the eyes.
There was a long, awkward silence that seemed to last an hour. We were looking at each other.
"Than don't look at me." I finally murmured never living his eyes.
Ethan shook his head, disappointed.
"So that's it ?"
I nodded.
"I refuse to watch you letting yourself die." He just said.
A rear run down my cheek.

"Then leave." I said firmly.

He seemed hurt by my words but at that point that wasn't my number one priority.
"Leave !" I yelled.
Ethan just took his jacket and put his shoes on. He walked towards the door and turned one last time to see me.

He was hurt, I could see it.

Then he opened the door and left my room.
A few moments later I heard the front door of my appointment open and then close.

And my tears began to flow without me being able to hold them back.

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