The World Breaker

55 4 10

Author: iiyuminb

Genre: Science Fiction

I find the cover to be very bright and attention-grasping. It seems to fit the overall plot and direction of the story. I haven't read deeply enough to understand the significance of the title, but I can imagine how it will relate to the story later on.

The explanations in the story are quite thorough and well-described. I can perfectly picture each of the characters and the setting of the story. However, some parts are a bit over-explained. For example, the lightning in Chapter 1 does not necessarily need its own paragraph. The mentioning of the lightning in the second paragraph was already quite clear to the audience.

One thing that I find to be overused is the fact that gemstones are used to describe the characters' eyes. It is fine to use this once or twice to explain the colors of the characters' eyes, but you use this description for nearly every character.

I noticed some slight grammatical mistakes with number disagreements throughout the story. For example, in Chapter 1, you wrote "I don't even know why Russel bothers when the only ones (plural) on the plane was (singular) Ms. Seville and myself." Additionally, your story seems to be written in past tense, but some sentences within the story (such as the one above) are written in present tense.

I also noticed several run-on sentences, so be sure to proofread and add the proper punctuation. Example: "After the sky had its fill of the vein like a disgusting beast it roared its victory and belched as if its hunger was quenched; but as it happened again and again it seemed the sky could not be sated and the lightning was just devoured."

One section in particular that did not seem to fit was when you explained the locations in which Ambrosia lived. You wrote that she lived in Russia, the U.K., Egypt, and Paris. The part about Paris didn't fit in, as it is a city and the other places listed are countries. It would be best if you changed "Paris" to France, or if you wrote out all of the cities rather than the countries.

Make sure that you check for small punctuation mistakes while you proof read. In Chapter 1, I noticed that you are missing the apostrophe in the word "can't." Additionally, you wrote "...those were the masters orders." Because the orders were given by the master, it should be written as "master's."

I noticed another issue regarding possessions in Chapter 2: "I ran till I could run no more, I had some how managed to bring myself deep into a forest or a large collection of tree's." Here, there should not be an apostrophe in the word "trees," as nothing belongs to the trees. In addition, "some" and "how" should only be one word.

Another thing to be aware of is the use of quotation marks. When a character is speaking and you put another word inside a new set of quotation marks, the audience cannot tell if the character is still speaking or if the character has finished. For example, you wrote "What do you mean by "surprise"?" Additionally, a new paragraph should be created every time a different character speaks.

The story is generally suspenseful and not very predictable. There are several twists and turns as Ambrosia's experiences unravel.

I find the pace of the story to be a bit fast. The story begins with Ambrosia flying to meet her new family, but she meets her fiancé later in that chapter. I think the story is quite quick overall and somewhat difficult to follow.

One part that I find to be quite unrealistic is the fact that Ambrosia was promised to another person before she was born. In America today (which is where I assume the story takes place), nobody is simply married off to somebody else. People choose who to marry, and it makes no sense that her father promised her to a partner of his company.

The actions of the characters are also somewhat unrealistic. Even though Ambrosia was unhappy about being married off to somebody she didn't know, she acted very childish towards him and his family. The audience would expect her to be more polite and rationally find a way out of her problems.

I find Ambrosia to be a very unique name. It seems to symbolize her worth, since ambrosia is the food that the gods eat. I can also clearly picture a majority of the characters, but you could add some more details regarding their personalities. The characters are somewhat bland from this standpoint, and the audience needs some extra descriptions in order to clearly picture and understand the characters.

Overall, I find the story to be quite entertaining. There are some grammatical errors that you should keep an eye out for, but the story as a whole is very original.

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