Secret of the two Kings

55 5 6

Author: johnpaul191

Genre: Historical Fiction


The cover undoubtedly matches the story, and it features the main characters. I don't find it to be too attention-grasping, but I like how the pictures are put together with the same background, clothing, and crown. The title also fits the story perfectly, as it is about two twin boys who are separated at birth due to a false prediction by the King.

The first issue that I noticed is the tense that changes constantly. I can't exactly tell if you intended to write your story in present tense or past tense, as they are both used about equally. For example, in the prologue, you wrote, "The palace guards unbarred the eight wooden main gates, and people from different parts of the kingdom entered" (past tense). Two paragraphs later, you wrote: "The King sits at the middle of the altar behind the table" (present tense). As you continue writing, be sure to keep an eye out for this and settle on one tense. 

I find the style of writing to be a bit plain overall. For example, you wrote "Everyone was puzzled with what the king said. Ministers started to look at each other and exchanged chatters." Descriptions like these lack details that would make them more interesting. The words "started," "said," and "look" are particularly bland, and they limit the reader's imagination. Instead, perhaps you could write something like "Ministers exchanged chatters, their eyes darting confusedly between each other." 

Be sure to keep an eye out for number agreements. In Chapter 1, I noticed that you said "The King caressed the Queen's hands like it was his precious possession." In this case, the word "hands" is plural, and "it" is singular. To fix this, you could write"...caressed the Queen's hand like it was..." or "...caressed the Queen's hands like they were..."

The pace of the story is quite consistent and it flows smoothly. It is nicely developed and it is descriptive enough that the reader can follow along. However, I feel that the overall story could use some extra sensory details. Additionally, I find the dialogue to be a bit too modern. It doesn't seem to fit the setting as well as more formal language likely would. 

Although the setting is thoroughly described before the story begins, I think it would be helpful to incorporate more of those details into the story as you write. It would be easier for the audience to imagine the setting if it were described throughout the story. 

One section that I found to be slightly unrealistic (based on my knowledge of the topic) is the fact that the King puts the nation above his twin children. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought that Kings and Queens always wanted children as badly as they wanted to keep their nation safe, especially since the children would take over their positions one day.

I find that the characters are well developed as a whole, but their personalities could be described a bit clearer. Many of the characters blend together, and none are particularly unique. I would go back and add some little details here and there to make them each slightly more original. 

As a whole, I found the story to be quite entertaining! The biggest thing that you should keep an eye out for is the story's tense, and the rest falls together nicely! The overall plot is very nicely thought out, and I am excited to find out more about both of the twins!

*Analysis is based on the first five chapters

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