Natasha: The First Hybrid

59 6 2

Author: Queen_kim247

Genre: Fantasy

Mature


I find the cover to be very beautiful and attention-grasping. I think it fits your story quite well and it is appealing (It suits my taste, and I actually requested a cover from the same artist after seeing yours!). The title also fits the story perfectly as it is about a hybrid girl.

The writing is very descriptive, and I only noticed a few small grammar mistakes throughout the story:
- Chapter 1: "My head lowers in shame as I try to, connect the top piece of my dress back together." The comma after "to" is not necessary; it adds an awkward pause in the sentence.
- Chapter 1: "The women roll her eyes." Here there are two mistakes. The first is that "women" is plural, but you only mean to refer to one person. Additionally, the word "roll" should contain an "s" at the end.
- Chapter 1 pt. 2: "'After that, your body well do the rest.'" Be sure to carefully proofread your writing before posting. I assume that you meant to write "After that, your body will do the rest."
- Chapter 1 pt. 2: "But he doesn't listens..." Here, the "s" should be removed from the word "listens."

I suggest you clarify which year the story takes place in. In Chapter 2, Natasha sentences her village to "2018 days of living like ghouls," and she then mentions that she will be back in year 3036 to free them. I can't tell if you meant to write "2018 years" or if you meant days. If you mean days, does that mean that Natasha will come back in 5 years? If this is the case, then the story takes place in year 3031, which should be clarified.

One thing that I noticed throughout the story is that the tense changes. It is very subtle, but it is still something that you should keep an eye out for as you continue writing. The story as a whole seems to be written in present tense, but there are some sentences scattered throughout the story that are written in past tense. For example, "My throat gurgled as I struggled to breathe..." should be changed to "My throat gurgles as I struggle to breathe..." if you want to maintain present tense.

The first chapter of the story is very intense and it moves at a rapid pace, but not one that is too fast for the reader to follow. There is plenty of suspense and your writing successfully draws reactions from your readers. For example, in Chapter 1, I felt extremely angry when Nadir claimed that Natasha was taking advantage of him when it was obviously the other way around. I could also feel the fear and sadness that Natasha experienced when her mother told her that she did not love her.

In Chapter 1 pt. 2, however, I felt that the pace quickened too much. It was difficult to follow how Natasha so quickly turned on her village and began cursing all of the people. I think it would be more intense and suspenseful if maybe Natasha hunted down the people of her village one by one rather than making a big show of her new abilities.

The dialogue is very interesting considering that it is both in Natasha's native language and in English. The descriptions are generally very vivid and the dialogue is realistic and easy to follow. Additionally, several explanations are offered through the dialogue, such as when Odessa explains how supernatural beings are created.

I find it very entertaining how Natasha is turned into a werewolf-vampire hybrid. Originally, I thought that since she died a human, she would remain half human. I think it is more interesting how she became a hybrid of two supernatural species and she needs to learn how to use both sides of herself.

I would like to mention how unique your main character is. I have never read a story with an albino main character, and I think she fits into the story perfectly. I think it is also interesting how the story is set in Africa.

The characters are all very nicely developed. Natasha is relatable and she is quite likable. On the other hand, you did a great job of creating characters such as Nadir, who the audience despises. The variety in characters and personalities is very refreshing and entertaining to follow.

The only thing that I find to be a bit unrealistic is Natasha's reaction to her new abilities. I would expect her to be much more afraid and tentative when using her strength. She seems to let the power get to her head too quickly rather than slowly becoming accustomed to what she can do.

Overall, I thought the story was great and I am excited to see what comes next!

Any fans of The Vampire Diaries may enjoy this story!

Book ReviewsRead this story for FREE!