The cover definitely matches the plot of the story, but I think it would be more appealing if it were done more professionally. I like the font and the color that is used, but the collage of pictures isn't the most attention-grasping photo. The title seems to fit the story as well, and I can imagine how it may come up later in the story.
One word that I find is used a bit too often is "however." It is fine to use the word once or twice, but the constant use of it makes it lose its meaning, and it makes your writing sound too formal. With the use of "however" and the direct descriptions of the characters and their backgrounds, your writing sounds more like an essay than a creative story.
The Prologue consists of many explanations on the origination of the character, and much less focus is placed on what is happening now. For example, I did not understand that Charlene had encased herself in ice until the middle of the Prologue, even though it was briefly mentioned in the first paragraph. I think even smaller things like this could be more obviously explained rather than poetically written.
At the end of the Prologue, there are a few sentences that Charlene carved into the wall outside of her cell. It would be helpful to the readers if you put the words that she carved in italics. Without the use of italics, it seemed as if the words were Charlene's direct thoughts, and it sounded as if you changed viewpoints from third-person to first-person.
In Chapter 1, I noticed something else like this. While Eleanor talks to Salvador, she called him "Sal," and then mentioned that she knew he hated it. In the next sentence, you wrote what she was thinking in quotation marks, but it would be clearer to the audience if you put this in italics also. In other words, anything visually written or direct thoughts should be put in italics.
Throughout the story, I did notice a few grammatical errors:
- Prologue: "The woman sat in the cell was descended from both the Ijoba and the Drei occhi." This sentence is missing a word, which caught my attention and made me reread it. In order to complete the sentence, you may want to add the word "who" right after "woman."
- Prologue: "To stop prisoners for using their magic..." The word "for" in this sentence should be replaced with "from."
- Prologue: "As if on cue the women..." The word "women" is plural, which is incorrect in this sentence as it is referring to a single woman. I noticed this same mistake further in the paragraph as well.
- Chapter 1: "She was born to be serve her planet..." I assume that you intended to write "She was born to serve her planet," so be sure to go back and check this section out. Always remember to proofread! Little mistakes like this are quite easy to miss (I have this problem as well).
- Chapter 1: "...he was born from and long history of warriors..." I believe the word that should be used in this sentence is "a" instead of "and."
- Chapter 1: "...however, if you had defiled them in any way..." The word "defiled" does not fit with the point that you are trying to get across. I assume that you intended to use the word "defied," which means to disobey or to challenge someone (depending on how you use it).
- Chapter 1: "Since his eyes had been on her the whole tine..." Be sure to go back and change this to "time."
- Chapter 2: "Salvador reappeared sighing in relief he had come so close to being pounded into the ground by a very angry Sergeant Milton." This sentence is a run-on; be sure to add in any necessary commas or periods.
- Chapter 2: "So instead of questioning why he was their Eleanor simply shrugged her shoulders took her boots off and proceeded to sit on the end of the bed not really caring the Salvador was there." This is another run-on that I noticed contained a few mistakes. First off, you used the word "their" which is used to show possession. Instead, you should change it to "there," which is used to refer to a location. Additionally, the sentence is missing several commas. Because there is a list of actions, there should be commas separating these sections: Eleanor shrugging her shoulders, taking her boots off, sitting on the end of the bed, and not caring that Salvador was in her room. Also, at the end, you wrote "the Salvador" rather than "that Salvador."
When it comes to the characters' originations, you are telling the audience rather than showing. Because the audience cannot imagine these sections very vividly, it makes it more difficult for your readers to remember the planet names, specie names, etc. When you discuss this in the Prologue, I think it would be interesting if you included a flashback or a description of the character's memory of Ijoba. This would allow the readers to imagine the treetop species and why they chose that sort of lifestyle. This same thing happened in Chapter 1 when it is explained that Eleanor has three eyes. Instead of directly explaining why she has three eyes, perhaps you could write something pertaining to her third eye and then subtly mention that it is because of her species and where she comes from.
The Prologue is already quite suspenseful and it draws the readers into the next part. The audience is already interested in reading about what Charlene's sister did to her and why she wants revenge so badly. The Prologue also reveals to the readers that Charlene has a powerful magic that both got her locked up and allowed her to escape incarceration.
The characters are not very developed in the beginning. The audience knows where they come from and who their descendants are, but the characters don't have much of a personality early on. I'm sure this develops throughout the story, but I suggest that you go back and adjust their thoughts so that they fit more properly with the characters' individual personalities. There additionally aren't many descriptions on the characters' appearances. The audience knows that Eleanor has three eyes, but what color are they? What color is her hair? Her skin? Is she tall, short, skinny, heavy? Be sure to address these points with all of your characters.
I also suggest that you mention how old the characters are somewhere within the first chapter. I pictured Charlene to be about twenty years-old, and I assumed that Eleanor was about twelve or thirteen (based on the dialogue and her actions). However, when it is mentioned that Charlene is Eleanor's sister, I immediately became confused. If Charlene wanted revenge on her sister, I figured that Eleanor had to be older than twelve if she caused Charlene so much trouble.
Overall, I think this story is creative and it has lots of potential. Be sure to proofread every chapter before posting them and focus on your descriptions. More subtle and constant explanations are better than fewer obvious ones!
Anybody who enjoys the "Shatter Me" series may enjoy this story!
*Analysis is based on the first 5 chapters
Please let me know if you have any questions or if some of my explanations were unclear :)