Aaaanyways, I hope the wait was worth it.
* * *
People are more likely to cry at night.
Because, the lack of sleep makes emotions hard to control.
* * *
Xander didn’t feel like doing anything that day either.
For majority of the day, he remained sprawled across his bed, eyes blankly stared up at the ceiling. It served as his usual way of being alone, not being forced to be happy, when really, he was anything but that.
But he was at least fine, right? As long as he put up the show that he was happy, smiling and attempting to be friendly and interested in people, no one could say otherwise. To hoist that façade got more and more difficult everyday and the only person that managed to see through the broken fragments of his persona was Carter. But affection wasn’t something neither boys showed around each other when around Carlos — to avoid problems.
In all honesty, Xander couldn’t care less. Not anymore.
His phone buzzed on the nightstand for about the tenth time, and he knew that about two were from Maria — asking if he wanted to ‘hang out’ — one or two were from Carlos inviting him to some party, while the rest were Carter. Xander couldn’t even find the strength nor motivation to neither roll his eyes, nor reach across to gain a hold of the buzzing phone. More than likely, Carter was the one calling.
Staring at the ceiling for so long, ignoring his hunger and whatever needs trying to push themselves at the forefront, Xander found himself getting number and number by the second — completely losing control over the vindictive emotions he locked away. To be honest, even Xander couldn’t tell which was worse — fighting a phletora of painful feelings threatening to overthrow him, or feeling nothing at all.
He hated them both, equally.
Hence is why he always felt the need to twist a sharp object into his flesh, either to tear the feelings out, or to bleed them. Whichever sufficed. Seeing his condition, he had no choice but to alternate them. He didn’t want to feel the misery, but at the same time, he didn’t not want to feel anything. A catch-22.
Without the ability to have a decent night’s rest free of being plagued with nightmares, he was kept wide awake most nights, fighting. The lack of sleep was getting to him, making it even harder to keep everything locked away. He was due to have a mental breakdown soon and he knew it, with all the stress, lack of sleep and food combined.
Failing school, he constantly shifted between caring for his future and or rotting away where he lied. Slowly, but surely, he was fading.
There was no future for him. There had never been, since the love of his life was savagely torn from him, far too soon. And one day, he was going to be with her.
June 14, 2019.
It took a lot for someone to decide to take his or her’s own life, but when they made the choice to, usually it meant that they'd had enough, and in some cases, there was no stopping them.
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Conflicted Eyes, Confusing FeelingsTeen Fiction
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