Chapter 10 - chemo

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When my Uber dropped me at the hospital I was a mess.

As soon as he picked me up at the warehouse I couldn't stop crying.
I don't really know why though. There is so much things in my head right now I don't know what to do. I think I'm over thinking everything.

Or I'm just a complete trash.


"Mao, you're 10 minutes late," the doctor said when I entered the chemotherapy room.
"I know, I'm sorry." I told him, looking at my hands, trying to hold back my tears.

There was an awkward silence.
None of us spoke during a pretty long time. I was staring at my hands and I could feel the doctor starting at me.
Then I heard him sit in front of me.

"Talk to me." He just said, calmly.

I frowned.

"I'm good." I replied, in a small voice.
"No. Obviously you're not." He cut me. "Listen Mao, I know chemo is hard, but that's not all what's going on. So please tell me so I can help you maybe."

For the first time since I entered the room I dared looking at him.

"I'm just so tired," I confessed, in a small voice, almost as a whisper.

He nodded but stayed quiet, letting me know he wanted me to continue.

"I have friends." I said, with a smile. "For the first time since I feel like forever, I have friends." I continued, smiling sadly, looking at my hands and holding back my tears the best I could. "I feel loved."

A tear ended up running down my cheek.

"And for the first time in a while I really want to live. I want to be with them all the time, share new experiences with them..." I wiped my eyes. "Make memories, you know."

The doctor was still looking at me, saying nothing.

"I want to know who I am, out of all this cancer thing." I finally said. "I want to know what I'm passionate about, because I have no idea. I want to know my limits and everything I'm capable to do."

"And for that you have to stop chemotherapy." The doctor said, not as a question, but more as if it was an evidence.

He knew. He wasn't stupid.


He took my hands in his.

"Mao, listen." He started. "You are young. You are so young... I know life is shit right now, and I'm not going to say that it'll get better. Because I don't know if it will. And honestly, maybe it won't. However what I can say is that you have to give yourself a chance. If you stop the chemotherapy now, there will be no coming back and you know that. So you have to think about it."
"I can't handle all that anymore."
"I know. But please, give yourself at least a month. Okay ?"
"A mouth ?"
"Yes. A mouth to think about it and see what you want to do next."

I knew he was right. I nodded.

"Do your friends know about all that ?" The doctor asked at one point. "About your leukemia and about you wanting to stop your treatments ?"
"No." I said.
"Why ?"
"Because they are the first people I met who actually see me as Mao. Not as the dying sick girl."

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