sticky notes ¡ junhwan

why

-
i'll just tell you my reasons as to why i need to do this,
-

-
1. you wont like me
2. you'll crush my heart
and all those "im straight" 's
hit me hard
-

-
3. i dont ever want to see my father again.
4. he's out tomorrow.
and i cannot face him.
-

-
i told my step-mom i was gay last year and
5. she disowned me.
i was on the streets for too long.
-

-
6. im not accepted
when i bought my pride flag i said i liked
how it looked and it was very pretty
when i was kicked out the only things i got
to have were a few shirts and pants and my pride flag.
i slept with that as my blanket
and 7. the stares mentally killed me.
-

-
when i finally got my own apartment
8. i felt lonely, unwanted and forgotten
i told you that i got my own apartment because
i needed space but 9. i just needed love.
-

-
i felt like i didn't belong anywhere but heaven or hell
cutting
cutting [just. more. scars.]
depression
depression
suicide
suicide 
all i thought about
-

-
life was once a loveable thing because of
you and the feeling of love
but now,
no you and no love
it isn't.
who knew sexuality could kill you?
-

tears rolled down junhoes cheeks, endless ones, escaping from my eyelids.

he sniffled while i tear landed on the note he had.

he realized the tissues taped on something and on one it had:

and junhoe did exactly what it said. it was an inside joke for them, probably the whole world too. he remembered in grade five when they went swimming and when jinhwan would always do that in the water and junhoe always looked. he smiled at how much jinhwan knew him, but kinda sadden at how much he just learnt about jinhwan, at how much he didn't know before.

-
this is one of the last notes,
you'll find me dead or alive.
-

"i hope you're alive." junhoe mouthed to himself sadly.

junhoe picked the last two in the area.

-
fuck, i really can't do this,
but i can't do life anymore either.
-

-
i'm so sorry, junhoe
i love you but,
goodbye.
-

tears,

they flooded junhoe's eyes, his vision becoming blurry, and his heart starting to ache.

truth was, jinhwan's first reason was a lie.

junhoe loved junhwan since the beginning of grade 8. yes, he was still very young to find out he was gay but he had a gut feeling he was right. he just knew.

but that feeling of being judged by the whole world, not accepted burned his heart.

so he started to lie, about his crushes, his feelings, his sexuality.

he didn't like jennie in 9th grade,
he didn't feel like he liked girls,
he was not straight.

he liked jinhwan since 8th grade,
he felt like he liked boys,
he was gay.

from a distance he saw a note he knew it was his last one since he saw none other than that.

he saw no one by it thought, he was scared.

[a/n:
i think next chapter will be the last
but i am so very unhappy with the length of this book it sucks
so short that i finished it in two days.]