Genre: General Fiction
Some curse words
The title works very well with the story, as it is about four girls who meet when they are young and they all become close friends. The cover also clearly shows the tight relationship between the four girls. However, the people on the cover appear to be country girls, which isn't the same environment in which the story takes place. I also did notice that the font on the cover is a bit bulky and it isn't centered. I think a thinner font that is centered across the cover would be very appealing to your readers!
Some vocabulary words are misused or misspelled. For example, "if she spends even a single wakeful moment of her life..." Wakeful should be "waking."
The story contains lots of action and interactions, but not many explanations or details. We know what the characters are doing, but not where they are, what it looks like, etc. The actions are very direct and do not have many details as to what is going on around them. In chapter one, it describes primarily what the girls do and how they speak to each other. My first question was "What does Vinnie's bungalow look like?" What does the girls' town look like? Where are they going to college? Even a few additional details on simple things like these can make the scene seem much more lively for the reader.
Additionally, in chapter 1, you explained that the bungalow belonged to Vinnie. Do the girls live alone or with their parents? How old are they? Considering the story starts during the girls' first day of college, it would not make much sense to have them living alone beforehand. In college, students generally live in dorms and they begin their first year when they are 18/19. If the girls are around this age, it is unrealistic for them to be living alone already (this is just what I have gathered through reading).
Grammar is not bad overall, but I noticed that commas are constantly misplaced when characters are speaking. Often times, the commas are placed outside of the quotation marks when they should be placed within them. For example: "'I am Vinnie', the brunette says, taking the piece." The comma should be inside the quotation marks right after Vinnie's name.
Another sentence that caught my attention was: "Vinnie appears in her short but still decent from her rest of the outfits." Be sure to proofread your work, because there are some sentences like this one that do not address what you are trying to explain. Does the sentence mean that Vinnie is wearing a decent outfit compared to what she usually wears? Does it mean that she's wearing the nicest outfit out of all of the girls? Make sure that you double check the wording in your writing throughout the story to ensure that what you are writing is clear to your readers.
One element that you really need to keep in mind while writing is the story's tense. The overall story seems to be written in present tense, but you constantly change some words or sentences to past tense. For example: "Vinnie's wide smile suddenly curled down into a frown at Lola's offending words when Gia immediately says smiling..." Here, the word "curled" is in past tense, but later in the sentence you write "says," which is in present tense. To fit this sentence to the present tense of your story, you could change it to "Vinnie's wide smile suddenly curls down at Lola's offensive words as Gia immediately says..." (Chapter 1).
I additionally noticed that some sentences begin with the word "and." This should be used primarily when connecting two shorter sentences together or when providing sensory details, not as the beginning of a sentence.
I think it would be best if you used italics to emphasize specific words. In chapter 2, I saw that you wrote "Like veerryyy," when explaining that Brandon was very romantic. To make this more professional and easy to read, I suggest that you edit the word "very" to "very" through the use of italics. Later in the story I saw that you also emphasized words by using all capital letters. Italics can work in those situations too.
The speaker isn't always clarified, which makes conversations between characters difficult to follow: "I'm Aaliya and she is Gia", I say, smiling at them. "Why didn't you say anything to that Ayesha?" Lola yells at her, making her shiver. Considering all four girls are at the same table and they all introduced themselves, Lola could be yelling at any of the other three girls; it needs to be clarified that she is speaking to Gia.
In the first chapter, how old are the girls when they first meet each other? This part is crucial towards understanding the timeline and ages of the girls as the story continues.
I really like how the story is written from multiple points of view. This offers a clearer image of each of the girls, who they are, and what kind of lives they live. It is interesting to read about the different boys that the girls meet and their new friends.
Some things that you didn't provide much information on were: Why did the girls need to go to college together? Do they all have the same goals and aspirations? Who chose the college that they attended?
I also saw that Lola was given detention during her first day of school. Keep in mind that college is not like high school; the teachers don't care if students don't come to class or if they talk during class. It is more likely that Lola will receive a bad grade in the class or get dropped by her professor. By giving the characters detention, this seems more like a high school environment than a college environment. Colleges and universities also generally don't have lockers, so the students often keep their supplies at home or in their dorm.
Why did it take two months for Vinnie's friends to meet Brandon? I feel that it would be more lifelike if the other girls met him earlier in the relationship, considering they are a very close group of friends.
Vinnie and Caleb's relationship seems unrealistic. They dated for a year, and it sounds very silly when the first thing that Caleb tells her is that he misses her. I think this makes the situation very awkward and it makes the characters seem dramatic and somewhat unlikable. I think these types of scenarios can be more drawn-out so that the reader can expect more of a twist.
One aspect about the story that I absolutely love is the lengths of the chapters. They aren't too short and they aren't too long. They cover a perfect amount of information and they make the reader want to continue the story.
*Analysis is based on the first 5 chapters