Temporary Transmissions

First Day

(Trigger warning: Suicide)

Yesterday, I considered what would be the least traumatic way for me to die. My best friend, Leah, works for emergency services and she told me of the time they had to go pick up a body from the train tracks. 

"The smell," she said. "You never forget that smell, and the god-awful business of picking up body parts from all over the tracks." 

"Nope," she said. "Getting run over by a train is the least pretty way to end your life." 

We sat in silence after that and I digested that information. Godawful mess and the stink, and then the business of having those you love come down to the morgue to identify your body parts. 

Just for this very purpose, I crossed off jumping in front of a train. 

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Springtime is hardest for me. The dark months of winter are over, the predictable rhythm of darkness and cold, the comfort of thick cardigans and snuggling away in the home cave give way to the insistence of that bright eye. 

Peter dragged me out of the house, made me put on my walking shoes and made me go out into the green where bright yellow narcissus were coming up and ducks were swimming about with their young. 

"Just for an hour," I said to Peter. 

Already, all I wanted to do was head back into my cave--back to the couch where I could pile on the blankets and shut out the light. 

Of course, an hour is never an hour with Peter. We ended up walking all about from one end of the wood to the other and then around the back to my front door. 

"What's an extra hour?" Peter said. "It wasn't that long was it?" 

Who can be grumpy in the face of such positivity? And then, of course, I had to invite him in for a cup of tea and before you know it, it was evening and politeness made it so that I had no other option but to ask him to stay for dinner. 

If I am to be honest, I do find it attractive. That kind of moving forward without looking back attitude, the 'let's go for it and no regrets' kind of mindset that Peter has--these are things I wish I had. 

"You think too much," Peter says. "Don't blow things up out of proportion." 

I know there something about me that's bothersome, that's different, that may possibly be worrisome or irritating to regular folks and so I do try. 

Some of the things I try to do: 

1. Wake up in the morning all bright-eyed and cheerful. 

2. Put on happy dance music 

3. Make happy food

4. Put on happy clothes

5. Make up

6. Smile

7. Smile