Experience The Light

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Author: theAmateurWriter1

Genre: LGBT/Teen Fiction/Romance

Some curse words are used in the last chapters.


The cover is an excellent depiction of the story and the audience immediately expects a LGBT book. The title is also a perfect fit. In the story, Cyrus tells Rian to "experience the light," which is an important moment in the story. The title emphasizes the quote and the theme of the story. However, words such as "the," "as," "to," etc. should never be capitalized in a title.

The explanations in the story are a bit vague. "It was lunchtime and I was at the snack bar getting chips, I was going to give the cashier my dollar until Cyrus came up and gave the cashier his dollar." Although this sentence accurately describes the actions of the characters, it is not thorough enough that the audience can picture the scene. Where are Rian and Cyrus? What does the cafeteria look like (if they are in the cafeteria)? I think areas like these could use some additional explanations and more thorough descriptions. For example, this sentence could be changed to: "During lunchtime, I grabbed a bag of chips and walked it over to the cashier. I slipped a dollar bill out from my pocket and held it out to purchase my snack. Before I knew it, Cyrus stepped up beside me and held out his own dollar, kindly paying for my chips." This would make it seem more descriptive and the reader could imagine the scene more clearly. 

There are constant misplaced or missing commas and some run-ons. The first paragraph in the first chapter is a long run-on sentence. Because of the length of the sentence, it is difficult for the audience to follow the story. It is important to keep an eye out for these sections and shorten them as necessary. By using shorter, complete sentences, you are also making space for extra sensory details that would normally not be included in run-on sentences. I also noticed that the second paragraph in Chapter 2 is a very long run-on, which should be shortened down into individual sentences. 

One thing in particular that you should keep an eye out for is the tense that you are using. In chapter 1, you wrote "Took out a apple and bite into it." The first thing I noticed is that the word "apple" begins with a vowel, which means that the article should be "an apple." Secondly, the word "bite" is used in present tense, which does not fit with your story, as the rest is written in past tense. I also noticed this in chapter 2 when you said "I knew you'll like it." In this case, the word "knew" = past and "you'll" = present. It is important to maintain a constant tense and viewpoint throughout the story.

Some of the grammar in the story is difficult to read and follow. In some cases, the word "there" was used in place of "they're," which makes the story tough to follow. An example of this is in Chapter 1 when you wrote"First that's like saying you don't hate women but you hate the fact there women, and second while I don't agree with them throwing condoms at your church your church did go and told them that there going to hell." Keep in mind that "there" is used when referring to a location, and "they're" is a combination of "they are." In this case, you would write "they're" since you are referring to people. Additionally, "your church did go and told them" is another time that you changed the tense in your story. Just keep an eye out for these things as you continue writing.

Lastly, I noticed some missing words in your writing. In Chapter 4, you wrote "I would catch him and the scared look on his when he almost fell was pretty cute." The scared look on his what? Be sure to proofread and add all necessary words into your writing. 

I find the pace to be a bit too fast. I think it is strange how Cyrus immediately asked about the Stop the Sin Protest without having ever spoken to Rian. The debate happened so quickly, which was somewhat awkward because it is difficult to have a civilized debate without understanding the other person or his/her views. 

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